New Version Of You
by Skarlett
Summary: [COMPLETE] It all started with a simple journal, but it ended up as an epic story. -SLASH-
1. New Version Of You

**Title:  **New Version Of You

**Summary: **It all started with a simple journal, but it ended up as an epic story.  

**Main Duck: **Adam Banks

**Rating: **PG-13, for swearing

**Time Frame: **After D3. Last year at Eden Hall

**Author's Note: **My first attempt at slash. I hope I don't fail miserably. When text is in between ~|~, that denotes a journal entry.


	2. Version 1

_~|~ Thursday night, 8:13pm_

Journal— 

When you look at the Varsity team here at Eden Hall, I'm the one most likely to write in a journal, or something similar. I actually got this idea to do this thing from my English teacher, Mr Beechman. He was saying something today about how William Shakespeare kept a journal of all the things he accomplished, and all of his dreams. And it was one of the only indications of Shakespeare's life outside his plays and sonnets. 

So, without knowing it, Mr Beechman convinced me that this journal might be a good way to get my feelings out. All the feelings I have bottled up inside of me that are just dying to get out. But first, I guess I should introduce myself, that is, if that's normal? I've never done this journal thing before, so bear with me. 

My name is Adam Banks; I'm 18 and a senior at Eden Hall Academy. I'm on the Varsity hockey team along with 12 other people who I've known for what seems like forever. I play third line centre and I love every minute of it. I'm a pretty good student; good enough that most of my friends need to copy my homework each morning. 

I share a room here at Eden Hall with a fellow teammate of mine, Guy Germaine. It's funny; I never woulda thought Guy and I'd be friends up until we started rooming together. It's strange, he's actually become the closest thing to a true friend I've ever had. He's out at the moment, probably with his girlfriend, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to start this. 

Writing this down makes it feel like writing a real important letter…you never know what to say, afraid that it'll sound dorky or stupid, but I guess, no one will be reading this, thankfully, so I can sound as dorky as I want. 

Sorry, I just got a phone call. My mother. I still can't decide if I like having her try to rule my life. Man, that was an admission there. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but ever since my older brother Daniel went off to college in New York, she's at a loss of what to do. So she's trying to run my life, much to my chagrin. But is there really an easy way to tell my mother to get lost when she's going to be paying for my college education? No, didn't think so. 

At least my dad isn't so bad. He just pushes me too hard. In everything. Hockey, school, life. I gotta be the best at everything, he says. Gotta be a perfect son, do him proud. I guess being gay doesn't fit into that equation? 

Surprised, journal? Surprised that I'm gay? I was too, a big culture shock. I'm coming to terms with it now, and even though I haven't publicly released it a la billboard and press conference, doesn't mean I'm….what? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Deluded? Ha, I'm scared, I think, more than anything. Scared to tell people and scared to find out their reactions. The only person who knows is Guy, and let me tell you, he's so not what I expected. He was so understanding, and he just listened to me when I told him, didn't judge me, didn't try to kill me or ridicule me. He's a real buddy. 

And I know what you're thinking, 'Ooh, Adam's in love with Guy!', but I assure you, it's not Guy I'm in love with. God, I thought this would be easy to write. 'Cause I know I'd never be able to admit this to anyone. I think I'm in love with Charlie Conway. And when I say I think, I think I mean I know. And yes, that sounds as confusing to me as it would to you. 

I've been gay for maybe a year now. I haven't really marked it on my calendar. 'October 3, Adam's one year gay anniversary.' I was being sarcastic. I'm not real good at it. When did I first realise? When I accidentally walked in on Charlie in the locker room showers…it was SO embarrassing…~|~

"Ok Banks, good play today," Coach Ted Orion told me as the rest of my team trailed off the ice. "Only thing is you gotta keep your head in the game, I've never seen you so distracted."

I nodded. "I know, I've got a big physics exam coming up next week, it's gonna kill me," I told him. 

He smiled, not fully, just slightly, in true Orion fashion. "I know how important school is to you, and I have to commend you for being so committed, but just try to separate your schoolwork from your hockey, ok?" 

"Sure thing Coach," I told him. 

He clapped me on the shoulder. "I also want to talk to you about Varsity…"

I groaned inwardly. I'd been hearing this same tune ever since I'd rejoined the Ducks back in my freshmen year. 'You're too good for JV', 'you belong on Varsity', and 'You're wasting your talent' You name it, I'd heard it.

"Coach, I don't want to be on Varsity." I told him. "I just want to stay here with the Ducks."

"I know you do, son," Orion said, gesturing for me to hop into the box with him and sit down. "But staying in JV could seriously hurt your chances for the future."

I swallowed. "With all do respect, sir, I've already been accepted to the best university there is here in Minnesota, I don't need to show-off."

Orion nodded, mulling my statement over. "What are you going to major in?"

I smiled slightly. "Medicine in sport."

He nodded. "How did I know that sport would somehow placate itself in your college education?" He paused. "Good luck Adam, I really mean that."

He stood up, and I stood with him. 

"Thanks Coach," I said. 

He clapped my shoulder one more time before he walked off the ice and I headed toward the locker rooms, met by Fulton, Portman, Averman, Goldberg and Kenny. 

"Where are you guys off to?" I asked them, accepting the towel Portman chucked in my face. 

"Quad," Fulton answered. "They're showing all the Rocky movies."

I laughed and continued into the practically empty locker room. 

"Hey Cake eater," Dwayne greeted, putting his cowboy hat on over his neatly combed hair. 

"Hey Dwayne," I said as I sat down to untie my skates.   
  


"You coming to the quad tonight?" he asked in his southern drawl as he threw his wet towel into the laundry sack. 

I shook my head. "No way partner, I got a physics final I need to cram for."

"Well, good luck," Dwayne said as Guy, Russ and Luis joined him. 

"Later Banks," Guy said, giving me a smile as they filed out. 

I smiled at the closing door, thankful to be alone. I just wanted to have a hot, relaxing shower and go back to my dorm room and study until my brain slid out of my ear. 

I stripped off my jersey and all my equipment, shoving it all in the right paces, and wrapping a towel around my boxer shorts and grabbing my shower caddy, I barefooted it into the showers. 

"Anyone in here?" I asked as I hung my towel on the rack and got my soap and shampoo out. 

The sound of the water shutting off up the end of the showers didn't faze me much as I gave my wrist a massage in the steamy bathroom. Supposedly the steam loosens up muscles? I always questioned it, but it seemed to work. 

I turned around and yawned, my body exhausted from the gruelling practice. 

"Holy shit, Banks!" 

My eyes flew open and I came face-to-face, well, face to…body with Charlie Conway. 

"Charlie!" I exclaimed as I noticed his extreme state of undress. 

Now, you're wondering why the hell are we acting like this when we've shared public showers with each other and nine other guys for about 10 years? It's because none of us has really seen each other naked before. And most of the time, there are usually cubicles, and if not, you go to any length to have it so no one catches a glimpse of your equipment. It's just not something you're best friend is supposed to see. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" I screeched as I tried to avert my eyes from…him. I tried, I really did, but it was just, **there. **And he didn't seem to be trying to cover himself up either. 

"Me? What are you doing here?" Charlie shot back, his voice climbing several octaves. 

I cleared my throat. "I'm taking a shower…I'd thought you'd left!"

Charlie blushed and quickly flew into action, covering up his crotch with his shower pack. "I thought I was alone so I took a shower down the back and thought I'd take my time! I didn't expect company."

I smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," I said. "I called out," I offered.

He snorted. "Good lot that did."

I bit the inside of my cheek. The situation was funny, but there was no way I was going to laugh, that was one thing you never did to a guy when you'd just seen his…tackle. 

"I'm gonna go," he said suddenly, backing away from me. 

I smiled. "See you later, Charlie."

I had to chuckle as I heard him hastily dress and gather up his stuff and clear out as quickly as he could. This would be something neither of us would forget in a hurry. 

~|~ So yeah, that was when I first realised, I think. At least, as I stood there and showered after Charlie had left, all I could think about was my reaction to seeing him. It didn't bother me, it was…nice. Not nice like teddy bears and candy, but…nice. I mean, I knew way before then that I wasn't like my other friends. I wasn't a womaniser like Luis or a hopeless romantic like Guy. I think I knew I liked boys from the very beginning. 

It'd been so long since my last relationship. Since the horribly toxic joining of Bradie and I in my sophomore year. She was so bad for me, everyone knew it. Luckily she tired of me and dumped my ass the day after my birthday. She was a real sweetheart. See, sarcasm. 

Anyway, after seeing Charlie naked, things were a little weird between us, but strangely, the shock meeting brought us closer. And no, I don't mean in **that **way, but as friends. It was nice. And I couldn't deny the feelings I was suddenly having for him, but I never said anything about it, never to anyone. 

Man, I feel better. In some weird, twisted way, writing all of this down has made me feel less of a freak, more like a human. And I'm going to state it here for all the world (me and me only) to know: **I'M GAY! AND PROUD OF IT!**

I'm gonna go now, because Guy should be home soon, and I don't want him catching me writing this. 

So, ciao for now,

Adam D. Banks ~|~

**

"Hey Banks."

I smiled. "Hey Guy. You got in late last night."

He nodded. "I was studying in the library. I just know I'm gonna fail my home ec exam today."

Charlie laughed. "See, you thought it was so smart to do that subject because you thought it'd be easy. And now look at you."

Guy shrugged and took a sip of his orange juice as well all sat in the cafeteria for breakfast. 

It's funny, we've been doing this just over 4 years and we still sit in the same place for breakfast lunch and dinner. Charlie sits on my left and Guy on my right and I sit opposite Russ. And I usually eat the same thing too. Scrambled eggs, 3 pieces of toast and a piece of fruit. Usually an apple. It's amazing how monotonous things become when you do them everyday. 

"So, street hockey today?" Julie asked as she took a spoonful of what looked like oats. 

Charlie shrugged. "I don't know about you guys, but I've my legal studies exam in three days, and Mrs Buchanan hates me enough as it is. I can't afford to fail this test."

Russ snorted. "I'm so glad I transferred into art."

"Yeah, shut up," Charlie grumbled. 

I cleared my throat slightly. "I can help you if you want?" I said to Charlie as Russ turned to Dwayne for conversation.

"Are you serious?" Charlie asked, dropping his spoon into his Rice Bubbles. "Because if you did I swear…I'd love you forever."

I tried hard not to blush, but every time I'm with Captain Duck, he unintentionally does something that makes me want him more. And that's not good. 

"How about tonight?" I offered, covering up my embarrassment with a gulp of juice. 

"Sounds good," he said. "You're gonna be my passing angel, Adam Banks," he smiled and clapped me on the shoulder, turning back to his breakfast. 

I smiled and finished off my apple. 

"Banks, you got the physics homework?" Portman called to me from the other end of the table. 

I produced the said document and had it passed up the table, where Portman gave me a thumbs-up sign and began to furiously scribble my answers down. Thanks to me, Portman was good a student as I was. 

Charlie set down his glass and burped, and then began to collect his books. "I gotta go see Orion, but Banks, how about we go back to my room after dinner to study?" he asked. 

I nodded. "Ok."

"Oh, that's good," Fulton said, butting into our conversation. "'Cause I'm going to stay the weekend at home. My grandma's really sick." 

Fulton is Charlie's roommate. 

"Cool, so we got the room to ourselves," Charlie said. "You can stay the night then Banksie."

I smiled and nodded, trying to pretend that didn't mean more to me than it actually did. 

"Ok, see ya later," Charlie said and sped off. 

I ate the rest of my breakfast in silence, quietly musing to myself about the study session. I felt giddy and excitable. I didn't know how I would be able to sit through 5 classes. 

"Come on Banks, we got physics," Portman said, practically reefing my up by the back of my polo shirt. 

"Thanks for the lift, Portman," I muttered as I slung my backpack onto my back and followed him out of the dining hall. 

This was going to be one long-ass day.


	3. Version 2

"I don't get this. I'm definitely gonna fail!"

I sighed. "Charlie, you're not gonna fail! We'll keep studying **until **you get it!"

He smiled up at me. "I'm not keeping you from studying your own subjects am I?"

He's so sweet. "No, I don't have any major exams until the week after next."

He smiled again. "Thanks a lot for doing this, you're a real bud."

I smiled back at him and for a minute, thought about what it'd be like to kiss him. But I quickly banished the thought. Neither of us needed the weirdness that came with kisses and confessed feelings. Nothing good would come of me giving into temptation. 

"Banks?" Charlie asked, waving a hand in front of my face. "You ok? You zoned."

"Yeah, I'm good," I answered. "Anyway, where were we?"

"Torts." Charlie told me. "I used to think torts meant cakes, but now I know it only means horrible, evil punishment."

I rolled my eyes. "Come on, tell me what an abatement means."

Charlie looked at me blankly for a second then smiled. "Something to do with fishing?"

"Oh boy, you are gonna fail this exam!"

"Don't say that!" Charlie said, punching my arm. "I won't fail if you and you're amazing brain helps me!"

I set him with a look. "Charlie, do you even know what tort law is?"

He smiled. "Like I said, cakes. And horrible punishment."

I groaned. "This is gonna take some time…"

He shrugged. "We've got all weekend."

"I suppose we do," I said, smiling. "Ok, now tort law is the law of personal injury."

"Personal injury got it."

I smiled at Charlie's serious expression but continued. "And the theme song, if you will is: 'You must take reasonable care to avoid acts or omissions which you can reasonably foresee would be likely to injure your neighbour.'"

Charlie scribbled furiously as I read, making sure he had it all down. I waited for him to finish. 

**

"Can I just say you are the easiest person to study with?" Charlie said as he exited the bathroom later that night after 3 intense hours of studying. At least he had a grip on what torts were now.

"Thanks," I said, folding back Fulton's bed and sliding into it. "But we've still got a lot of work to do."

Charlie nodded, climbing into his own bed. "I only wish I'd paid attention in class…or sat next to you."

I laughed. "You still wouldn't have paid attention!" I teased. 

Charlie chuckled. "Yeah, I know." He shut off the lamp. "'Night Adam."

"'Night Charlie."

It only occurred to me after lying there for 15 minutes that Charlie had called me by my first name. It was a nice thing to fall asleep to. 

**

~|~ Saturday morning, 10:41pm 

_We studied all morning, journal. And if it's even possible, I think I'm falling more in love with Charlie Conway than I ever have been. _

_He's so easy to get along with, not that I already knew that, it's just, he's so **him **when he's on his own, without the team around, or a hockey stick in hand, he's just Charlie Conway, friend._

_We decided to take a break from studying for a few hours and then meet up in the dining hall at noon. Charlie's gone down to the rink for a few laps, but I had to rush back here and write everything down. Pathetic huh? I've had this journal for three days and I'm already obsessed with it. _

_Actually, I'm finding that this whole writing stuff down is helping get out all my feelings. I haven't felt this free and unburdened in a while. _

_So Charlie and I aren't studying tonight, but we've got a date for this afternoon. We're moving onto negligence and defamation. Not that that's even remotely important. I just like all those stupid little details that define our friendship. It's so…simple. Like it doesn't matter, but it does, you know?_

_God, I'm turning into an illiterate sap. I spend a few hours with the guys and I lose my ability to voice anything. _

_It's just a pity Charlie's straight. _

_But oh well, I can live in a fantasy, right? I mean, that's all I have left. But that doesn't matter, right? For once I'm living, I'm actually feeling something. And to me, that's more important that what's real. It's real for me. _

_I just wish maybe, Charlie is gay. That's so selfish of my I can't believe I wrote that. I was going to delete it, but I realise that it needs to stay there, so when I look back in 10 years time, I can remember things how they really were, not the glorified version. _

_I need to see that my life has actually done something with itself instead of being like it was at the end of freshmen year. It was so bad back then, after all the Varsity crap was over…I just got depressed. Really depressed, and suicidal. It's hard to believe isn't it? That someone you know or even yourself could feel like that. Feel so bad that you don't want to live. Well I've been there, I know what it felt like to look in the mirror and despise yourself for living. And I lived it everyday. _

_I got help, I did, and I took all these pills to make me feel better, but every time I swallowed one, it reminded me how sick I really was. That I wasn't better, that I wouldn't be for a long time, and that made it worse. I didn't see any of the Ducks for maybe three weeks. Except for Guy that is. And even then I didn't talk to him, just lay in my bed, facing the wall, not talking, not moving, thinking of ways to end the pain. _

_God, I feel like I'm writing one of those self-help books. And it all sounds so surreal, false even. I just wish it was. I still have the scars, both physical and emotional to remind me that it was real. It took a really raw meeting with my parents, therapist and the Ducks to realise what I was doing, that I was hurting myself, though at the time, it felt otherwise. _

_I spent two weeks at home 'recuperating'. The reason I write that in '' is because, roughly translated, it means that my mom got to fuss over me, and my brother got to mercilessly tease me for not being strong enough, and all the while having to walk around with a bandage around my left wrist, a constant reminder of how stupid I was and of how close I'd come to losing it all. _

_I make it sound so horrifying, and it was. And maybe this journal thing wasn't such a good idea, because now I'm depressed. But I guess now, I can proudly say that I am 100% better, even though I have the odd day, I know that I have 12 wonderful friends who are there for me, and parents that care, even though one seems to care too much. _

_Gosh, all this truth stuff makes me feel so tired. Exhausted. But I feel better. Someone knows the full story, the bad stuff and the good stuff. And even if it is just some file on a computer, it's something, you know?_

_I don't know what to say now. That was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I managed to write it all down without crying. I'm ashamed of the truth, because it means I have to admit what a complete retard I was. I look back and wish I'd just talked to someone. Grabbed Charlie or Guy by the arm and just spilled it all. But I didn't, and now I have to live with it. _

_But that's enough about that. I don't want to dwell on it. It hurts too much._

_I guess I should go now. I have to meet Charlie in 20. And my stomach is growling. _

_Adios,_

_Adam D. Banks. ~|~_

_**_

I yawned tiredly, stumbling into my dorm room at 8:15, throwing my jacket on my desk and waiting for Guy to follow me in. Today had been such a hard day. I have never studied that hard before in my life, it felt abnormal. And I'm a geek. 

I collapsed onto my bed, full from dinner, and satisfied with my afternoon with Charlie. We'd spent most of the time dutifully studying, but the rest of the time, mucking around and talking. Did you know his dad left when he was 6? I mean, I knew his dad had left, I just wasn't sure. 

"Can we talk?" Guy asked me, sitting down at his desk. 

I sat up. "Sure, what's up?"

He shrugged. "Halle and I broke up."

Halle is/was Guy's girlfriend. 

"Shit, that sucks man," I told him, running a hand through my hair. 

He nodded. "Yeah, I know…I'm just going through a bit right now…"

"You know I'm here if you wanna get it off your chest, right?" I asked him. 

He looked up and nodded. "How about we talk some other time, I'm really bombed," he said, lying back on his bed. 

I nodded. "Sure, sleep. I'm gonna go see Charlie, he said he wanted to do some more studying."

Guy barely nodded as I slipped my jacket back on and left the room, walking down the hall slowly. There was something wrong with him, more than breaking up with his girlfriend. He was always such a good friend to me, I only hoped I could be the same for him. 

I stopped in front of Charlie's door and knocked, and it nearly opened immediately. 

"Hey Banksie," he said, opening the door so I could slip inside. 

"Hey," I answered and shrugged out of my jacket. 

"What's up?" he asked me as I sat down on Fulton's bed. 

"Oh, nothing," I said, forcing a smile. 

"I know you're lying, but I won't force it," he said, sitting down in his desk chair. 

I was preoccupied, I guess. I just wanted to grab him and kiss him, tell him how much I cared for him, but I didn't dare. I just looked up at him. 

"Come on, spill," he told me. 

"Well…" I began. "Have you ever liked someone so much that it…hurt?"

Charlie smiled. "Who is she?"

I looked at him funny. For some reason I expected him to already know I was gay. "Just this girl," I muttered, dropping my head. 

"Have you spoken to her before?" he asked me, sitting forward in the chair. 

I nodded. "I speak to her all the time, it's just she doesn't know I exist…in that way."

Charlie nodded, like he was intellectually musing what I'd just said. "You should ask her out."

I nearly laughed. If only Charlie knew what he was saying. 

"I don't think she'd take it the right way," I said. "We're really good friends."

Charlie's jaw dropped. "It's Julie, isn't it?"

I felt trapped. I didn't now what to say. "Uh, yeah, it's Julie."

May God strike me where I sit.


	4. Version 3

I was walking through the halls on Monday, fresh from my legal studies exam, pretty confident that I'd score at least an A-, when I ran into Guy.

"Hey Guy," I greeted. 

"Hey," he said softly. 

"You ok?"

He shrugged. "Can we talk?"

I nodded, leading him down the hall and into the empty student lounge.

He took a deep breath. "What I need to say isn't going to be easy," he said. 

I frowned. "Just say it, you'll feel better."

"I can't say it here, will you meet me in our room after next class?"

I regarded him wearily. He was freaking me out. "Sure. But are you gonna be ok?"

He nodded. "Oh, yeah, I'll be fine. Just meet me in the room."

I nodded slowly as he hurried off and I left the room, heading for biology with a worried frown on my face.

"Hey Adam, are you ok?" Julie asked, stopping me outside our classroom. 

"Oh, yeah," I answered, smiling. I was supposed to have a crush on her, remember? 

"Good," she said. "Excited about the fall ball?"

Actually, I'd forgotten. "Yeah, real excited," I answered instead. 

Over Julie's shoulder, I could see Charlie approaching. As fate would have it, he was in the same class. He gave me a big smile and the thumbs-up sign and ducked in the room before Julie could see him. 

"Ready to go in?" Julie asked me, gesturing toward the room. 

I wanted to run, run until my lungs exploded, but my feet betrayed me and propelled me towards room 104. 

I sunk into a seat between Julie and Charlie, cursing my damned bad luck, all thoughts of Guy completely obliterated. 

After Mr Cameron took attendance, Charlie leaned over. 

"How's it going?"

I swallowed. "Good," I said back. 

"Have you asked her out yet?"

I shook my head. "I don't think that's a good idea right now."

"Why?" Charlie hissed. 

"Because," I answered back. 

"You're just scared."

Yes, I was. And I was even more scared of Charlie telling poor Julie I had a crush on her when I didn't. It was him I had the crush on. 

"Just drop it ok, Charlie?" I said sharply.

He put his hands up in mock surrender and went back to his work, leaving me alone. 

But every time Julie asked to share my textbook or compare answers, he'd give me this big cheesy grin, like there was something going on. I wanted to kill him. 

As soon as the bell rung, I sped for the door, racing down the hall and through the quad, finally reaching my room and locked myself in there. 

Guy was already there. 

I didn't even say anything when he looked up at me. 

"Adam, I'm gay."

Uh huh, what?

"What?" I asked him, setting my backpack down. 

"I think I'm gay," he said, clasping his hands together. 

I didn't get it. He'd been dating Halle for 3 years, how could he suddenly be gay? 

"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting down in my chair, facing him. 

"I just realised when Halle was talking the other day. I just finally realised that I didn't love her, didn't want to be with her. That there's someone else that I want to be with, and he happens to be a guy."

Wowsa. I was so confused right now. 

"Who?"

"You, Adam. I think I'm in love with you." 

I tipped my chair back a little too far and it nearly proceeded to take me to the floor. 

"But Guy, how can you be sure?" I asked him, swallowing a few times. This was possibly more embarrassing then when I told him **I **was gay.

"I just – you've always been there for me, and I just want to be with you…" 

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know if I should say **anything**. 

"Guy – I can't – with you. I – There's someone else." I stuttered. 

He looked up and his eyes betrayed his soul. He was hurt, and humiliated, and most of all completely wrecked. 

"I didn't know," he said softly, looking away. 

"I hadn't told anyone. I mean, it's not anything. Just an interest. But I'm not looking for anything right now," I said softly. I didn't want to hurt him, but the last thing I wanted to do was lead him on.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, barely audible. 

I shook my head and reached out for his hand. "No, you don't have to be sorry. You were just being honest." 

He shrugged and laughed bitterly. "I feel like such a fool."

"Don't," I told him. "You have no reason to feel that way. I mean, I don't like you any less. You're still my friend." 

He stood up and dropped my hand. "I'm gonna take a walk."

I nodded. 

As he left the room I exhaled loudly, running my hand through my hair, absolutely shocked. This was a lot more than I was expecting today. 

I needed to talk to someone. 

Charlie.

**

"Spaz?" I knocked on his door twice. 

It opened revealing Charlie.

"Come on in," he said. "Fulton's at class."

I nodded and sat down mutely.

"What's up?" 

I looked up at him. "I got the 'something's up' face, don't I?"

"Pretty much," he said. He sat down next to me on his bed. 

"I'm just really confused at the moment."

"About Julie?"

God, would he give it up already?

"Yeah, I guess. A little." I answered. I'd just come to associate Julie with Charlie. 

He frowned. "It's something more than girl troubles, Banksie."

I nodded. "It is, except, I can't tell you. Not without hurting someone."

He frowned again. "Ok…but if I guess will you tell me?"

I shook my head. "I can't. I just needed to see you, get my mind off things."

"Awww Banks! I think you love me!" He laughed loudly and clapped my shoulder, but still, I blushed. "I'm here if you wanna tell me anything."

I smiled. "I know."

"And even though I'm dying to know what could possibly be going on, I won't push, because I know you hate that."

I laughed. "Is this your subtle way of pushing the not pushing vibe?" 

"Uh yeah, is it working?" he asked, grinning. 

"No."

He laughed. "Worth a try."

I sighed. "So, how'd you go on the legal exam?"

"Pretty good I think. I know I got the torts section down, and I owe it to you. Man, I woulda been on academic probation if I'd gotten anything below a C." He pushed a hand through his hair. "But, thanks to you, I'm safe."

I shrugged. "No big deal. Next time we'll aim for an A+."

Charlie laughed. "Don't get too many ideas. I'm still a slacker."

"Ah yes, but a slacker with an impossibly smart best friend."

"Yeah, I guess so." He smiled and bumped my shoulder with his. 

Its times like these he acts gay. I mean, he probably doesn't realise it, but it's sending off major gay vibes. Maybe I only pick them up because I myself am gay? I have no idea. 

I think I better go before I kiss him. 

"I should go," I said, standing. 

He stood too. "Yeah, ok." 

"I'll talk to you later?"

He nodded as he walked me to the door. 

"Ok, bye," I said and left, walking down the hall back to my room, hoping Guy wasn't back, because if he was, I'd be hightailing it back to Charlie's. Not that I didn't want to see Guy, but all this stuff was kinda freaking me out. 

He wasn't there. Perfect time to update my journal.

~|~ Monday 12:01am 

_Guy thinks he loves me. And this is what I think about that.                __ß__-- absolutely nothing. I mean, I've never even considered Guy as a boyfriend, or a crush. He was always just my friend, someone who listened to me when I was upset, and someone to laugh with when we watched TV. And now he thinks he might be gay. And that he might be in love with me. _

_I want to tell Charlie. Not to hurt Guy, but I think if I tell Charlie, I can see what his reaction would be, and then I could gauge whether or not to tell him about my feelings. There I go again, being selfish. I hate that. I'm turning Guy's hard time into something I can benefit from. But I would never do that. I wouldn't betray his confidence like that. _

_It's gonna be hard for both of us now he's told me. I mean, we live together. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for him, because he's always been so good to me, but short of moving out, there's nothing really I can do. I went and saw Charlie after he told me, and it was weird. It was like Charlie could actually tell what I was thinking, like in some surreal universe, he knew what had just happened. Does that sound weird? I guess it does. _

_Every time I see him I want to tell him more and more. It's consuming every part of my life. I don't sleep well, I don't pay much attention in class, and it's becoming an issue. I need a new perspective on it all. But how am I supposed to walk up to someone and go 'hey, I'm gay and am in love with Charlie Conway. Do I tell him or not?' Yeah, that'd win big with everyone. _

_I guess I'm just too afraid of what people would say if I came out. I mostly scared of Charlie's reaction. What if he's repulsed and never wants to talk to me again? Or the opposite, what if he feels the same? That's scary, because then I'd have to be in my first homosexual relationship. I mean, I've never even **kissed **a boy before let alone…you know. And I'm not saying that our relationship would be all about sex, it wouldn't. I'm just saying that when you love someone…sex is just a natural step. _

_God, I hope no one ever reads this._

_I have practice this afternoon. It'll get my mind off everything for a good hour and a half. But then it's back to the grind. I have to deal with my feelings for Charlie, and Guy's feelings for me. Maybe I should drop out? Ha ha. That's funny. Maybe I should just grab Charlie and kiss him like he's never been kissed before? HA HA! Like that would ever happen. _

_I'm gonna head off to lunch now. All this sexual frustration is making me hungry. I keep re-reading that line and it sounds more perverted every time I read it. _

_Homosexually yours,_

_Adam D. Banks ~|~_

**

"Come on Germaine! Pick it up!" 

I threw a cautionary look at Guy, who was trailing behind the whole teams as we did drills that afternoon in practice. He shot me a look of pure sadness and my whole heart wrenched. I was so preoccupied with Guy I ran straight into Charlie's back. 

"Sorry," I muttered, picking myself up off the ice. 

"Banks! Try watching where you're going! I know Conway's ass isn't the most interesting thing to look at, but you've gotta force yourself!" Coach Orion called out. I blushed, thankful I was wearing my helmet. 

Everyone laughed and continued the drills. It was a regular practice that I did without thinking. Hockey practice was maybe one of the one times I could really clear my head and just be in the game. I didn't have to think about feelings or consequences or tests or meals. It was just the ice, the puck and I. Oh, and the stick, that's pretty important too. 


	5. Version 4

"Orion is a beast," Goldberg complained in the locker room after practice. He's the only one that ever complains. The rest of us are used to gruelling practices, yet to Goldberg, they still come as a shock. 

Dwayne yawned as he stripped off his uniform and pads, slipping clothes on straight over the top. "See ya'll later," he said and sauntered out. 

Everyone took their time getting dressed and showering, I guess the practice had taken it out of everyone, not just Goldberg. 

I took a quick shower and emerged, slightly wet, but clad in my boxer shorts. I was relieved that Guy had left already. The only people left were Charlie, Fulton and I. 

I tried my hardest not to watch Charlie as he was getting dressed, but it was so hard. His physique is amazing. He's muscly and strong, but not on the beefcake side. Nice, proportioned. 

I looked up and caught Fulton's eye. He raised one eyebrow and left the locker room, a knowing smile on his face. 

What did that mean? Did Fulton catch me eyeing Charlie? God, I hope not, that could possibly be the end of my secret. And my life. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Charlie asked, turning around and pulling his old Led Zeppelin shirt over his head. 

I nodded, sitting down after doing up my pants, pulling on shoes and socks. 

"What's with Guy?" 

I swallowed. "What do you mean?"

Charlie scoffed. "You mean you haven't noticed how out of it he's been? Depressed?"

I shrugged. "I guess, but he hasn't said anything to me."

"I thought he would've. You guys are pretty good friends."

"Yeah, I guess so." I tied up my shoelace. "What do you think could be bothering him?"

It was Charlie's turn to shrug as he pulled on one of his shoes. "Maybe because he broke up with Halle. I mean, they had a thing for like, 3 years. That's gotta hurt."

"I suppose so." I answered, reaching for my shirt and slipping it on over my wet hair. 

"Hey Banks?" Charlie called out to me. 

I looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"You don't have a thing for Julie, do you?"

Oh crap. "How'd you guess?"

He laughed. "Come on, I know you better than you think I do."

With that he hiked his backpack up and left the locker room, leaving me to contemplate what on Earth he was talking about. 

I was packing my stuff into my bag when the door swung open, and Fulton strode in.

"Hey," I said, zipping up my bag. 

"Hi," he responded. "We need to talk."

I looked at him, waiting patiently for him to continue. 

"You're gay, aren't you?"

I exhaled loudly. "I – uh, don't know what you're talking about," I squeaked. 

Fulton smiled, only slightly. "I think you do."

I looked at him nervously. "Even if I did, talking about it here wouldn't be appropriate."

He shrugged. "Ok, lets go somewhere and talk about it."

I eyed Fulton nervously. Did he just want to take me somewhere and beat the crap out of me? I seriously hoped not. 

I picked up my bag and followed him out of the complex and into the early evening. We found a bench outside of the dorms and I sat down nervously, wondering if a beating was to follow. 

"Ok, now lets talk."

"About what?"

Fulton laughed. "Come on Banks, you're not that stupid."

I shrugged. "I might be."

He shot me a look. "I'm not gonna hurt you. If that's what you're thinking."

"Why do you wanna know so bad?"

"I've seen you looking at Charlie. No dude looks at another dude that way if he doesn't…like him. In a special way."

I smiled. "Am I that obvious?"

Fulton's eyes sorta bugged out a bit. "So, you are gay?"

I nodded. "You're not gonna kill me are you?"

He snorted. "Why would I? I mean, I'm cool with gay people. My older brother is gay. Has been for 5 years."

"I didn't know."

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Banks," Fulton said, somewhat mysteriously. I had to wonder if he was gonna come onto me. 

"You're not…are you?" I asked, fiddling with the zip on my bag. 

He shook his head. "No way. I love girls way too much."

I laughed. It actually felt better, being truthful with someone. 

"I'm glad you told me," Fulton said. 

"So am I," I answered. And I meant it. I was so scared of telling people; sure they'd think I was some kind of freak. But now that Fulton knows, I guess I'm not that scared. 

"I won't tell anyone," he told me. "I won't say anything to Charlie about how you like him."

"Thanks," I said softly. 

**

~|~ Tuesday 6:12am 

_So, Fulton knows. And you know what, it's not weird. I admit I stayed awake all night last night just thinking about what it would be like to come out. To have everyone know. And the thought still scares me. _

_Guy's asleep right now. He didn't get in until 2 this morning. I just hope he's ok. I feel really bad about everything, and I know this is stupid, but did I turn him gay? I mean, by telling him about my sexual preference, did that influence his decision? That sounds stupid. _

_I think I'm gonna tell Charlie how I feel. I can't believe I just wrote that, I must be high. Or at least lacking some brain cells. Speaking of brain cells, I got an A on that legal exam. I went and asked Mrs Buchanan yesterday afternoon. I wonder what Charlie got. I'll go see him before breakfast. _

_I'm gonna leave Guy sleeping this morning. I think the last thing he wants to do is face everyone at breakfast. I'll just bring him back something. I didn't realise everyone sorta picked up on his mood until Charlie asked me what was going on yesterday. _

_My dad called last night. Wanted to know what I was going to do for the holidays. I want to spend it with the Ducks, our last Christmas before college and all that. Maybe I'll suggest it at breakfast. My dad told me about all these scouts coming to one of the Eden Hall games in a few weeks, and it was funny, I didn't really care. I mean, I care about hockey, but maybe being pro isn't what I want. Maybe I should be a doctor._

_Guy's stirring, I should go. I need to go see Charlie. _

_-Adam D. Banks ~|~_

** 

"Hey, what did you get for the legal exam?" I asked Charlie at breakfast. 

He smiled through a mouthful of Cocoa Pops. "B+."

"Cool," I told him. "I knew you could do it."

"Only because you drilled it into me for three days." Charlie said. 

I blushed at his comment, lowering my face to my toast, making sure he didn't notice how much his phrasing had affected me. 

"What about you, what did you get?"

"A," I answered. 

"Surprise, surprise," he teased. 

I rolled my eyes as something kicked me under the table. It was Fulton, who was sitting opposite Charlie. 

He shot me a look and I flipped him off discreetly. 

"What are we doing for Christmas, guys?" Connie asked. 

"We should spend it together," I suggested. "Our last one before college."

Everyone seemed to agree. 

"We should go on a road trip or rent a house in L.A or something," Portman suggested. 

I looked around the table at all my friends. What would happen if I stood on my chair and yelled out that I was gay? You think they'd notice? 

"Banks, what do you think?"

I flew back to attention, staring at Fulton as he asked me the question. 

"Oh, anything would be cool." 

They all went off about Christmas plans, but I didn't really listen. I turned my head and saw Guy walking past the cafeteria, a big stack of white paper in his hands. 

"Hey Guy!" Portman boomed. Everyone in the cafeteria looked toward him. Portman had that affect. 

Guy sauntered over, a jaunty smile on his face. "Hey guys."

"What you got there?" Dwayne drawled, pointing to the paper. 

"Oh, something you all might find interesting."

He proceeded to hand out a few pieces of paper, joined together by a staple. As one was passed under my nose, I recognised the letterhead. _My journal. _

My breath caught in my throat as I grabbed one and scanned the first few lines. It was my journal. 

I looked up at Guy who was expectantly looking at me, with a look of pure joy in his eyes. 

I couldn't believe this. Guy had found my journal and was handing out copies to all my friends. 

"Is this for real?" Goldberg asked from the end of the table, and each Duck turned and looked at me, as I sat there pale and quivering. 

They expected me to answer, but I just got up and sped out of the cafeteria, before the barrage of criticisms and opinions hit me. 

Why would Guy do this? Because I rejected him? 

"Banks! Adam! Wait!" Fulton was chasing after me, and I could tell, even without looking around, that he was gaining on me. There was no stopping him. "Wait!" he yelled as his hand clamped on my arm and pulled me to a stop in the middle of the sparse quad. 

I was panting, my lungs aching for air, my face pale and my hands shaking. 

"What's going on?" Fulton demanded. 

"I – I – I don't know," I admitted. 

"Is this yours?" he asked, holding up the incriminating journal. 

I nodded. "I had it on my computer…I – I – why…" I trailed off and sank to the grass in defeated shock. 

"Why would Guy do that?" Fulton demanded, sitting down beside me. 

"He – he – he told me he was in love with me…and I told him that nothing could happen because I liked someone else…"

"Shit," Fulton muttered. "He did this because you rejected him?"

I nodded. "I guess so, I don't know…and now they all know…oh, God."

Fulton placed two steadying hands on my shoulders. "This is not the end of the world."

I looked up at him with disbelieving eyes. "Yes it is! You haven't read this! It has my most private and deepest thoughts!"

"They would've found out eventually," Fulton pointed out. 

"Yes, but not by reading it in the Eden Hall News!"

"Listen to me, the Ducks are your friends, they're not gonna treat you any differently."

I fell back on the grass, my eyes looking up to the sky. I think I stopped breathing. I think the life and the fight in me just slipped out. Blown away on the wind. 

"Adam. Listen to me. I'm gonna help you, ok?"

Fulton was talking, but I wasn't listening, I couldn't. I blamed Mr Beechman. If he had never mentioned the whole shitty journal thing, I never would've started one. And then Guy never would've printed it out to show the whole world. I could imagine one being directly mailed to my parent's house. 

"My life is over," I muttered mutely. 

"No, it's not. It's gonna be ok."

"Is he ok?" I heard someone ask from above me. It was Julie. 

"Not really," Fulton answered. "He's in some sort of shock."

"We should get him inside, he'll freeze to death on this wet grass." 

Fulton pulled me up off the grass and slung an arm around me and walked me toward the dorms. My feet cooperated, but I didn't know how. I wasn't capable of thought. 

He threw open the door to his room and lay me down on his bed. I didn't want to be here.   
  


"No, I can't see Charlie," I muttered, trying to sit up and get away. 

Fulton pushed me back down firmly. "You're not rooming with Guy, Adam. Not after what he did to you."

"What?" Julie asked. 

"Guy told Adam that he liked him, and Adam rejected him," Fulton filled in. "And so Guy did this."

"Oh man…" Julie breathed. "That sucks. But what does Charlie have to do with it?"

Fulton swallowed. "Adam likes Charlie."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt Guy, for hurting me. I never thought, in a million years he'd do anything like this. He was always such a good friend. I never thought he'd be the one do to this. 

I didn't know what to do. 

"I should go to class," I said, sitting up. 

"Are you sure you wanna do that?" Julie asked me, placing a steadying hand on my shoulder. 

I nodded. "I can't afford to fail."

"That's not what I mean," she said. 

I looked up at her. "I can't hide forever."


	6. Version 5

I think I'm in biology. 

But who knows, I could be in physics. 

No, I'm in biology. Because Julie is sitting on my left, hastily scribbling out notes for both of us. We're sitting in the back. Charlie is two rows in front of us and I can't stop staring at the back of his head. What is he thinking? Does he hate me? 

I want to cry, ball my eyes out and scream and kick. But I can't for two reasons. 1) I'm 18, and in class. 2) My friends will not only know I'm gay, but that I've lost my mind. 

I saw Guy in the hall. He's sporting a black eye. I don't know who gave it to him, but I wished it had been me. But maybe I'll still get my chance. 

There goes the bell and Julie is tugging on my sleeve to get up. I stand, my legs a little like jelly as I see Charlie turn around and begin to walk towards me. 

"Can I have a word?" he asks me and Julie gives me a reassuring pat on the arm before walking out the door. Soon, we're alone. "Is this all true?" he asks me slowly. 

I nod. "Yeah, it is."

He looks away from me. "I – I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," I tell him softly. 

He looks at me, hard in the eyes and I've never seen that look before. It's a look of complete confusion. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

With that, he turns from me and walks out of the room. 

My bottom lip quivers and I try to control it. I just lost my best friend. 

**

It's Friday and we have a game. 

This past week has been hell on wheels. The only Ducks talking to me are Fulton, Julie, Portman and Kenny. The rest avoid me like the plague. But I guess I can't complain, at least I know who my real friends are. 

"Banks! Pick it up!" Coach Orion is yelling at me from the bench. 

I sigh and skate harder, attempting to get the puck away from a Mt Vernon player. I succeed, only to be slammed into the board by Luis. My own teammate is against me. It seems gay people can't be hockey players. 

The whistle is blown and Orion benchs Luis, and Charlie replaces him. It's the hardest of all to look at Charlie. Because in his eyes, I see the disappointment and embarrassment, and it hurts me more than I could ever admit. 

We win the game, 12-4. I suppose I should be happy, but it's hard. I avoid spending time in the locker room if I can help it. I can't stand the stares and the whispers. 

It's funny, I thought I'd be friends with the Ducks forever. I thought we'd all grow old together, have each other in our lives. Have our kids growing up calling them Uncle or Aunt. And now…I don't know. For once, I can't see where I'm gonna be in 10 years. I always thought the Ducks would be there, and now, it's a void. 

I slouch lower in my windbreaker as I walk across the quad. 

A heavy hand lands on my shoulder. 

It's four big guys I've never seen before. 

"You Banks?" 

I nodded. And for my efforts, I'm greeted with a devastating right hook that practically knocks every tooth out of my mouth. 

I stumbled backwards, dropping my hockey bag and hitting the grass with a thump. 

And then the attack begins. I was kicked, punched, spat on. 

"This is for being a fucking gay pansy," one of my attackers growled.   
  


"HEY!"

All at once the guys take off, running like it was an Olympic trial, and then, Fulton's face appears. 

"Fulton?" I croaked. I can barely see him, my eye is so swollen. But he's there. 

"It's ok," he told me, gently picking me up off the grass. 

"What?" I muttered, my head spinning as I was lifted upright. 

"Shh…It's ok Adam," he said softly as we began walking towards the dorm. "I'm so, so sorry."

I listened to his whispered words as we walked into his dorm room and he sat me down on his bed. 

"What the fu – ?" Charlie muttered as he saw me. "What happened?"  
  


"Some assholes were beating him up in the quad," Fulton answered. 

I started to sway a little and fell backwards onto Charlie's bed, my eyes closing. 

"No, you gotta wake up. Adam!" Fulton called, shaking my gently. 

I opened my eyes and looked up at him. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head and smiled. "What are you apologising for?"

I shrugged. 

He smiled. "Good. Shut up then." 

Fulton busied himself cleaning me up, but I barely felt anything but searing pain. Then gave me two of his extra-strong painkillers and I fell asleep nearly instantly. 

It's funny how it took a beating to realise that I wasn't completely alone. 

**

"Where am I?" I asked groggily as I sat up, my whole body sore. 

"My room," Charlie said, looking over from where he was sitting at his desk. 

"Was I ran over by a truck, buy any chance?" I asked him, stretching my body. 

He shook his head. "You were beat up, but it doesn't look as bad as it probably feels."

I got up and went into the bathroom. Charlie was right. I had a black eye and three cuts. One above my eyebrow and two on my lip. My arms were bruised, as was my chest. But I wasn't dead. I still couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. 

I went back into the room. "Thanks."

Charlie shrugged. "It was Fulton, not me."

I nodded slowly. Obviously there was still something bothering him. 

"I should go," I told him. 

He nodded. "Fulton wanted me to give you this, he had an early class."

He handed me a piece of paper and I didn't read it, just shoved it into my pocket and collected my jacket. 

"I'll see you later, Charlie."

He barely looked at me and just turned his attention to his TV. 

I walked back to my room slowly, hanging my head in embarrassment. This was not how everything should be going. 

"What the fuck happened to you?" Guy demanded as I shut the door behind me. 

"Got beat up," I said simply, taking off my jacket and fishing the piece of paper from my pocket. On it read, in Fulton's sloppy handwriting: Intervention. Meet at Student Lounge Hartley Hall, 2:00pm.

"Ouch," Guy commented. I didn't care. He didn't matter anymore. 

I lay down on my bed, setting my alarm clock for 1:30. And then fell into a deep, uninterrupted sleep.

**

I hate alarm clocks.          

I can't think of even one instance where I've woken up to the incessant buzzing and actually **didn't **feel like throwing the bastard against the wall. 

Today wasn't any different, maybe because it was like the ringing of the bells. It symbolised my interrogation planned with the Ducks. 

I didn't really care anymore, through all the crap that had happened, there wasn't much of a reason to look good, or to do well. I just threw on old jeans and a sweatshirt off my floor and stumbled out the door, headed for the lounge. 

Every Duck was sitting there sombrely when I entered the room, taking a seat nearest the door, for a possibly quick getaway. 

We sat there for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence, looking from one another, wondering what to do or say. 

It was Fulton who finally got up the urge to stand up. 

"Ok, thanks for coming," he said simply. 

I knew by the inquisitive stares on their faces they wanted to know what happened to me. Why I looked like a bruised piece of fruit. 

"I was beat up, ok?" I spat at them, hanging my head, my greasy, unwashed hair hanging unceremoniously hanging in my face. 

No one said a word. 

"Look," Fulton began again, walking around the small space. "All this crap going on between us is stupid. I mean, we're all friends and here we are, judging Banks like this."

Portman nodded and stood up, clapping Fulton on the back. 

"If you all think you deserve some kind of a medal for being here, then I feel sorry for you," he said softly. "Because this guy over here –" he pointed to me. "Did nothing to you, and you all betrayed him."

Dwayne coughed.

"I just wanna say that I support Banks. And it would nice if one of you could say it too. But, if it's above you, then don't bother talking to me either. Because, I'm gay too."

Dwayne's cough turned into a choking sound and eyes went wide. 

I looked up at Portman and searched his eyes imploringly.  

He avoided my gaze and left the room, Fulton following him close behind. It was just me against the masses. I didn't know what to say to them, or even if I should say anything, but the silence was killing me. 

I stood up. 

"Look, I know this has all gotta be a bit weird, but it's not as though I'm doing this to freak you guys out. We've all been best friends for what seems like forever, and I'd hate to see us throw it all away over my sexuality."

I looked over at them, my eyes searching their eyes, looking for a glimmer of understanding or acceptance.

Goldberg stood up. "Banks, I don't know what to say…I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you…you can't help who you love, right?"

I blushed furiously when he said that. I could feel Charlie's eyes boring into mine. 

"Thanks Goldie," I said softly. "I guess I'm just gonna go now…"

No one stopped me as I strode from the room, my eyes downcast. I didn't know what to think, or to do, or just…anything. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and die. Because without my friends, who was I?

I didn't have much time to ponder the mysteries of my life; I had hockey practice in 20 minutes. I gathered up my gear and trudged over to the rink, thoughts rumbling through my head like thunder in the sky. 

I got dressed silently, not surprised that Portman was absent. The Ducks didn't say a word to each other as we filed out and onto the ice, scattering like marbles. 

"What's up with you guys?" Coach Orion queried as we all began to skate around, not making eye contact. 

"Exams," Connie responded, hitting a puck over to Goldberg. 

"Yeah," Averman agreed. "Lot of pressure being the graduating class…"

Orion set us with a steely gaze. "Ok, don't tell me, but get your heads together."

We murmured our cooperation and started practice, our scrimmage a few notches below what it usually was. But Orion didn't say anything else, other than yelling of course. No heart to hearts, or pep talks. And I was glad, the last thing I wanted was a father-figure telling me to do better. 

After practice I slipped my helmet off and headed for the locker room. 

"Christ, what happened to you, Banks?" 

I looked up at Coach Orion. "Uh, nothing," I said. "Just had a losing war with a staircase."

He nodded slowly, and I knew he didn't believe me, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. 


	7. Warning: Explicit Content Ahead

**Warning: **

The next chapter contains somewhat graphic self-mutilation. If this in some way offends you, or grosses you out, please don't read it. And if you do, despite this warning, I am in no way responsible for the effects. 

I do not condone self-mutilation, nor do I encourage it. Please be wary.

-Jetta _


	8. Version 6

"You busy?" Fulton asked as he dropped into a chair across from me in the library. 

I shook my head. It was too hard to concentrate on anything while all this crap was going on. 

"You ok?" he asked, emptying his book bag. 

I shrugged. I didn't have words anymore. 

He looked at me for a long time before frowning. "This isn't good, Banks."  
  


I snorted. "Yes it is. It's peachy fuckin' keen."

"You know what I mean. Look at what this is doing to you."

I sighed. "I know, Fulton. But it's not as though I can wave a magic wand and make the Ducks accept me."

"Why do you like Charlie?"

It was a question that was not only surprising, but completely dumbfounding. 

"What do you mean?" I asked him. 

Fulton shrugged. "I mean, why do you like him? What is it about him that makes him so great?"

I took a deep breath. "I like him because when he smiles at me, it's genuine. Because he seems to care about my well-being. Because he's a different person when he's just with me. Because he's the nicest, most amazing person I've ever known."

I blushed and looked down, my hands nervously fiddling with my backpack. 

"Do you love him?"

I looked up. "Yeah. I do."

I felt tears well up behind my eyes, the emotion and pain that the last week had been full of finally bubbled to the surface, threatening to spill over. I hated this feeling. I hated being weak. It reminded me too much of my freshmen year. 

It felt like I was being stabbed, repeatedly in the heart. I just wanted it all to end. 

"I really love him, Fulton."

I heard a chair scrape back behind me and I looked around. And if I thought the Gods hated me enough, I was wrong. Because there was Charlie, a horrified look on his face, his hands clenching the back of his chair so hard that his knuckles were white. 

"Charlie, wait—" I began. But I didn't have a chance to say anything else before Charlie ran towards the exit and flew down the stairs. 

"God, what more can go wrong?" I muttered, putting my head down on the table, sighing deeply. 

**

~|~ _Tuesday, 1:32_

_You'd think after being horribly embarrassed by the first journal I wrote, that I'd give up on the idea, right? Well, I guess this one is different. Completely hand written, and if need be, I'll staple it to my leg so no one can get their hands on it. _

_Where to start? Where to begin? I don't even know what day is it. Seriously, I just sat for 10 minutes trying to think what day it was. I'm not even sure it's Tuesday. _

_It's quiet here in the library, and it's oddly comforting. I'm supposed to be at a hockey game in 20 minutes,, but I don't know if I'm going to go.. _

_I'm depressed._

_I'm gay and depressed. I have no friends, and I just want to fade away. I'm thinking about going home, but then, that means I have to be cajoled by my mother into doing stupid things like playing tennis and going to the Country Club. I think I'd rather stay in school and have everyone avoid me. _

_I'm officially a leper to everyone except Fulton, Julie, Portman, Kenny and Goldberg. Even though I haven't seen Portman since the "intervention". Charlie doesn't even look at me anymore. I would rather him look at me and hate me rather than not look at me at all. It hurts beyond belief. I never knew writing my feelings down would fuck my life up like this. _

_All this reminds me when I was sick. I mentioned that, didn't I? My freshmen year…all that crap…God, I feel the same way I did when I cut…~|~_

_|FLASHBACK|_

"You coming Banks?" Guy asked me, hiking his backpack over his shoulder.

I shook my head. "No, I need to study."

He shrugged and left our room, leaving me to quietly ponder my pitiful excuse for a life. 

It probably didn't help I was listening to REM on my discman. 

"Everybody hurts…sometimes…" I warbled off-key, tears rolling down my cheeks as I lay facing the wall. The bland, off-white wall. The wall that just seemed to convey my lack of life, I **was **the wall.

I clamped my hands over my ears, trying to drown out the sounds of kids having fun on the quad that streamed in my open window. Closing it just took too much energy. And I had no energy left. Not to do anything, and not to live. 

I fumbled around in my beside table drawer and my hand closed around something hard and plastic.

I pulled the switchblade out of my draw and lay flat on my back. I'd seen it so many times before, but each new time I got it out of my draw, it's power seemed to take a hold over me. 

I clicked the blade out an inch or two, and pulled the old gauze off my left wrist. It's funny, I've done this so many times, and it doesn't even hurt anymore. 

I pressed the cool steel to my skin and grit my teeth as it sliced through my wrist. Blood oozed from the fresh wound and I watched it trail down my wrist. It was mesmerizing. The way the blood left a horrible path or red down my arm reminded me just how messed I was. But it felt strangely better. Better than living, better than being with my friends, better than everything. While I held that knife, I was in control. 

I placed the blade to my wrist again and again, until there was so much blood that I couldn't see the incisions. I'd gone too far. 

I swallowed hard and grabbed a box of tissues, wrapping them around my bleeding wrist. Tears were falling from my eyes. I didn't want to die. But the pain I caused myself felt better than the pain the world caused me. 

I panicked as I wrapped a towel around my wrist, my t-shirt stained with blood. I threw open the door to my room and rushed down the hall. I must have been a sight, covered in blood and running like a maniac. 

But I made it to the infirmary, just as I started to get dizzy. I passed out in the reception area. 

_|END FLASHBACK|_

_God, thinking about all of that makes me sick. I was so stupid back then. _

_I don't want to write anymore. I guess I should go to the game. My parents would be real impressed if I not only told them I was gay, but that I was kicked out of school for not living up to what's expected of me. _

_-Adam D. Banks_

**

"Change it up!"

I threw my body over the wooden barrier and hit the ice skating. Literally. I'd put my all into this game, I didn't want to have to think about anything else. 

I skated hard and took the puck from a North Cat player and skated towards our goal. Not thinking, just skating, aiming for a goal. 

But I didn't make it. Something slammed at me from my right side and I went down like a bag of crap. Literally. 

All I knew was that my wrist pounded and I was dizzy. 

"Banks! You ok?" Fulton asked, standing over me. 

I pulled my glove off my right wrist and nearly passed out. Already it was a technicolour shade of purples, greens and blues. It was broken, it was obvious. 

"Coach!" Fulton called. "This doesn't look good!"

Fulton pulled my helmet off and I lay my sweaty head back on the ice, the world spinning around me. 

"Oh, Jesus Christ," Coach Orion muttered as he stood over me. It was after that I blacked out.

**

"Mother of God…" I muttered, my throat parched and my lips dry. "Water."

"Banks, holy shit, you're awake."

I opened my eyes. "Hey Portman," I said softly. "Water."

He turned around and got something and put it to my lips. Refreshing water. 

"How do you feel?" Julie asked from the other side of my bed.

"Like crap," I said, trying to smile. 

She squeezed my left wrist reassuringly. 

"How bad is it?" I asked them. 

"We should get the doctor," Fulton put in, standing up and ushering the three of them out of my room. 

A while later, a middle-aged man came into the room, a solemn expression on his face. 

"It's broken, isn't it?" I asked him. 

"I'm afraid so," he said, looking over pieces of paper in his hands. "Hairline fracture. No hockey for 12 weeks, to give it enough time to properly heal."

I didn't say anything, there wasn't anything **to **say. Was I glad I didn't have to see my friends for 12 weeks? Yes. Was I glad I didn't have to go to any practices? Yes. Was I glad that my life was slowly falling apart…No.

I just wanted to take some time and thank each and every one of you that has reviewed this story! It's such an amazing feeling to login and see reviews in my mailbox! 

**SuperSteph: **Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reviewing both this fic, and 'After The Deluge'. It's a huge charge to be recognized for something I'm so proud of. 

**RasberrieSundae: **I'm glad you like my dialogue flow, and I was really hesitant about posting this fic…being my first attempt at slash.

**Crazy4nc128: **Where do you get off commenting? :P You're practically my inspiration to write slash! So, I should be loving you for writing such amazing fics like 'Realization', and 'Us Against The World'! 

**Anne918: **Thanks for reviewing! I'm quite fond of the shower scene too! 

**Vinnies-Angel: **Keep checking back daily, I update everyday!


	9. Many Thank You's!

After reading four consecutive reviews from RasberrieSundae, I felt compelled to post and thank you all so much! You have no idea how these reviews touch me, I tear up while reading each one! I'm just so glad people are taking the time to read my fics, let alone bothering to review!

So, thank you very much, you're all truly fabulous! 


	10. Version 7

"Hey Banks! Wait up!"

I turned around to look at Fulton, who was bounding down the hall towards me. It's been two and a half weeks since I broke my wrist, and I have a lovely black in a sling to show off. Right.

I just wanted to go back to my room and take some painkillers. 

"How's the wrist?" Fulton asked as he caught up, falling into step beside me. 

"Horrendously painful." I answered bitterly. 

Fulton didn't say anything, just walked along beside me for a bit. 

"Anything else?" I asked tiredly. I'd just had to sit through a biology exam, trying to write with my left hand, I didn't have time to chat. 

"Charlie was asking about you this morning," Fulton said softly. So softly I barely heard him. 

"Is that supposed to be funny?" I asked him as I reached my door. 

Fulton frowned. "No. Why would I play you, man?"

I sighed. 

"Seriously. When I got up, Charlie asked me if I'd seen you, and how you were. You don't come to practices or games anymore."

"Why would I?" I asked him. "I can't exactly play."

Fulton shrugged. "We figured you'd still come to games."

"Oh come on," I said. "No one wants me there. I'm not gonna come and be alienated, Fulton."

He sighed. "Whatever Banks. Just…go talk to Charlie when you get a chance, ok?"

I didn't have a chance to answer him before he walked off, leaving me standing in front of my door. I let myself into my room and collapsed on my bed, reaching out automatically for my prescribed painkillers. I took two and curled up, trying to get to sleep.

But I couldn't. There was too much running through my head. My hockey career may very well be over. I have no friends, and the people who call themselves my friends barely have time for me. Charlie wants to see me. 

I sat up and grabbed my bag, fumbling around in it for scraps of paper that had been my journal.

~|~ _Friday, 3:39_

_Sorry for the writing, this whole writing left-handed thing is hard. But, I just really needed to write. To get out of my head for a while. _

_So, Fulton says Charlie wants to know how I'm doing. I shouldn't care, after the way he's treated me, but I do, more than I care to admit. I still care for him like I used to. I still love him. I'm incredibly angry at myself for that. How can I love someone who'd so easily turn their back on me? I just do. You can't help who you love. And Charlie has always been there for me, since before I can remember, through everything. _

_I don't think I'm gonna go see him, as much as I want to. Why go crawling back? I'm still so hurt. At least I don't have to play hockey for a while. And I hate that feeling. I'm actually glad that I don't have to play. What is wrong with me? When did I suddenly stop caring about hockey? When did I let love take over my life?_

_My mother keeps calling every day, to see how I am. I'm seriously thinking about unplugging my phone. I hate hearing her voice, so happy and chipper. It just reminds me how miserable I am. I've started taking some anti-depressants again. I got them filled by my doctor who promised not to tell anyone, specially my parents. Anyway, what are they called? Xanax. Yeah, that's it. I hate taking them, the little blue bastards. They remind me that I'm not ok._

_God, me being not ok has become an annoying theme in this thing, hasn't it? I wish I could write about something truly amazing, not in the least depressing. But it's not as though I can close my eyes and wake up a month ago, is it? _

_So, at the moment, I'd doped out on two extra-strength Tylenol and a Xanax. I'm strangely calm. I don't know if that's the Tylenol or Xanax talking, but I feel better. Maybe things are gonna be ok…_

_My wrist is doing ok, although I'm aching to do something with it. I don't care, throw a football, write, draw…play hockey. I guess I do miss hockey. It's my teammates who I **don't **miss. I miss the excitement and the cheering and the unmistakable smell of popcorn on game night. There's nothing sweeter than that smell. _

_I miss the feeling of wearing my pads, proudly wearing my Eden Hall Mighty Ducks jersey, holding a hockey stick in my hands. Knowing I might not do any of that again tears me up. What if I never get to play again? Is my career, my dreams over before they start? _

_I should be in my physics class right now. No thanks. I'd rather sit here and wallow in self-pity. At least I can be alone here. _

_I'm gonna re-read this tomorrow or something, when I'm not on drugs, and see if it makes sense. _

_Adam D. Banks. ~|~_

**

I guess I must've fallen asleep after tucking my journal safely into my pillowcase, because before I knew it, there was a pounding on my door and I was wiping drool from the corners of my mouth. 

"Yeah?" I asked, irritated as I opened the door. 

Julie smiled. "Hungry?"

I looked back into my room at my clock, surprised to see the numbers 7:14 blinking at me. 

"Starving," I told her, turning back around. 

She smiled again and took my good hand. "Let me shout you dinner off-campus."

I smiled back, genuinely smiled, and got my coat, not caring that my hair was sticking up. 

"Here, let me fix that," Julie said, pushing my hair down with her hands. "I don't want to ruin my reputation by being seen with someone with hair as bad as yours."

I smiled and watched her as she took my hand again, pulling me down the hall and outside, over to the student parking lot where she unlocked her car, gesturing for me to get in. 

"Thanks, Julie," I said softly as we pulled out of the driveway and headed into town. "I probably wouldn't have eaten tonight if not for you."

She turned to me once we stopped at a light. "I can't stand to see you so upset," she admitted softly. "I love you too much, Adam Banks. You're one of my best friends and I'm not letting you bury yourself."

With that, she moved past the intersection, stopping in front of McDonalds. 

"Fancy dinner," I teased, struggling with my seatbelt. 

Julie leaned over and popped it for me. 

We got out of the car and walked into the brightly lit restaurant, and my stomach rumbled hungrily, as if it knew we were standing in Denny's, waiting to be served. 

Julie laughed and patted my belly. "Settle down," she whispered. 

I smiled and threw my left around her shoulder, kissing the top of her head fondly. 

We ordered and took a table near the back. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I unwrapped my Big Mac. 

Julie held her Quarter Pounder up. "Do you know what they call these in France?"

I smiled through a mouthful of burger. "A Royale with Cheese," I told her. 

She laughed. "'Pulp Fiction'?" 

I nodded. "I've seen that movie so many times, I know it practically word for word," I admitted. 

"Connie, Guy, Fulton and I watched it the other night."

I cleared my throat, and took a sip of Coke. "How is everyone?"

Julie shrugged. "Ok, I guess."

"Truth."

She looked up at me. "We don't sit together in the cafeteria any more," she answered. "It's like we've broken up into little groups. There's me, Fulton, Portman, Kenny and Charlie at one table, Connie, Dwayne, Averman, Goldberg and Russ at another…the Ducks are falling apart, Adam."

I swallowed hard, suddenly not hungry. "It's all my fault."

Julie dropped some fries, halfway between the packet and her mouth. "How can you say that?!" she demanded. "This is Guy's fault, and let me tell you, the bash brothers and some of the other guys won't let him forget it."

"But if I just told Guy I'd go out with him…"

Julie threw a fry at me. It hit my nose and slid into my lap. "You're an idiot. You don't like Guy like that. That's not a crime. You shouldn't be forced to go out with anyone if you don't like them."

I threw the fry back. "I still feel bad."

Julie took a bite of burger and rolled her eyes. "You're too nice, that's why. Accept that none of this is your fault. The only thing you did was fall in love."

I blushed. 

"You still love him, don't you?"

I looked up, I could feel the tears building in my eyes, and my wrist was starting to throb again. "I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. I'll always love him, Jules."

She reached across the table and took my hand. "I admire you, Adam. You stood up for yourself, and you're not refusing to feel differently."

I smiled weakly. "Thank you, Julie. Really."

She smiled back at me. "How's your wrist, anyway? Are you taking painkillers?"

I nodded and finished off my Big Mac, balling the wrapper up. "I'm taking Tylenol, but I have a prescription for percocet if the pain gets real bad."

"I had to take percocet last year, remember, when I did my knee? The list of bad side affects was longer than the actual good things that came from taking it."

I nodded. "I know, I'm not gonna take it if I don't have to."

Julie sighed. "When I was younger, I had to take this medication, paxil—"

"Really?" I demanded. Julie on paxil?

"You know what that is?"

I nodded. "Promise not to say anything?"

She nodded. 

"Freshmen year, I went through a bit of depression…I took Xanax. I started taking it again a few days ago."

Julie looked at me for a minute. "Same situation, different drug." She took a sip of her Diet Coke. "For me, I mean."

"You were depressed?" I asked her. It was just so unbelievable. 

She nodded. "For a good two years. The paxil really took the edge off. But I've been of it for 6 years."

I smiled. "Good for you. My doctor wanted me to take depakote…you know what that is?"

Julie shook her head. 

"It's for manic depressives and schizophrenics."

Her eyes bugged. "You were…?"

I shrugged. "I didn't think so, but after I slashed my wrists, my doctors seemed to think I was."

Julie's face went pale and she clenched the table edges for support. 

"Oh, Jules. I'm sorry…" I told her. "I shouldn't have mentioned anything."  
  


She shook her head earnestly. "No, I'm glad you told me. I'm so sorry…"

I smiled. "Why? You didn't force me or anything."

Her eyes searched mine imploringly. "Can I see?"

I ran my good hand through my hair and held it out for her to see. 

She ran her delicate fingers across the nasty scars on my left wrist. 

"Adam…I'm…I don't know what to say…" 

I pulled my hand back. "You don't have to say anything. Only that you won't tell anyone."

She nodded. "Of course. Not a word."

I took another sip of Coke, a heavy silence hanging above our heads. 

"Have you ever told anyone?"

I shook my head. "No. I mean, when I went home, I told everyone it was because my grandmother died."

"That was when it happened?" 

I nodded. "But don't worry, I'm over that at the moment. I'm just taking the Xanax to take the edge off the stuff that's going on at the moment. I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm better, Jules."

She got up and rounded the small table, pulling me into her arms. She hugged me fiercely, hugged me tight, and it felt good. 

"I love you, ok?" she said in my ear. 

I nodded as I felt a tear slip down my cheek. I wasn't alone. 

Far from it. 


	11. Version 8

"Thanks for dinner," I told Julie as we walked down the hall to my dorm room, our hands casually joined between our bodies. 

She smiled. "Thank you for trusting me."

"Thanks for listening."

"Thanks for letting me."

I laughed. "Are we just going to stand here thanking each other all night?"

She shrugged, a smile on her face. "I don't know…I haven't got anywhere to be…"

"Ha ha," I said sarcastically as we reached my door. 

"Can I ask you something?" Julie asked suddenly, playing with my silver ring I wore on my left hand. 

"Sure," I told her. 

"You're not attracted to girls at all?"  
  


I laughed. "Why do you wanna know?"

She shrugged. "I just do."

I pulled her into a one armed hug. "Sorry to say Jules, you just don't do it for me. Nor does any other girl, mind you."

She smiled and kissed my collarbone through my shirt. "Sleep well, Adam. I'll be thinking of you."

I kissed her temple. "You sleep well too, Miss Gaffney. I hope you know how much tonight meant to me."

She squeezed my side. "I think I know…"

She smiled again and walked away, waving over her shoulder. 

I let myself into my room, glad to see that Guy wasn't there. I wasn't even sure he still lived here, I didn't see him all that often. I was thankful for that. 

I put my favourite U2 CD into my player and turned the volume low and collected my stuff for a shower. 

I stripped my sling off and eased out of my black t-shirt. I wrapped a plastic bag around my arm and sticky-taped it closed. 

As I stood under the hot spray, the strains of my favourite U2 song, 'With Or Without You' floating in from the room, I thought about Julie. About her depression. About how much she really does care about me. I'm lucky to have a friend like her. 

I got out of the shower and got dressed slowly in actual clean clothes. Denim jeans and a white t-shirt. 

I popped just one regular strength Tylenol for my wrist and completely disregarded the bottle of Xanax in my drawer. 

I smiled as I combed my hair left-handed, smiling at the mess I was making. I shrugged slowly into my Eden Hall letter jacket and left my room, making my way down the hall till I came to a stop in front of room 41. The corkboard on the door held a computerized plaque, revealing the occupants of the room. 

Fulton Reed and Charlie Conway. 

I knocked. 

**

I fidgeted nervously until the door opened, revealing Fulton. 

"Banks, hey!" he said. "How's it going?"

I smiled. "Good, actually. I wanted to apologize for earlier. I was really short with you, and I'm sorry."

Fulton smiled. "You're forgiven."

I smiled. "Is Charlie in?"

He nodded, stepping out of my way and letting me into the dorm room. Charlie lay across his bed, TV remote in hand, flipping between what sounded like Jay Leno and a hockey game. 

"Banks – hey."

He sat up and flicked the TV onto mute. 

"I'm going to see Portman, see if he wants to snag a Coke…" Fulton said. 

But I wasn't paying attention, I was looking at Charlie. Amazing, good-looking, funny, talented Charlie. He sat there cross-legged on his bed, wearing just boxer shorts and a Spice Girls t-shirt the Ducks had gotten him as a joke Christmas give a few years ago. Who would've thought it would end up being his favourite?

"Uh…hi," I said softly, sitting down across from Charlie on Fulton's bed. 

"Hey," Charlie said softly, looking away. 

"I just wanted to come over…"

He nodded. "How are you?"

I shrugged. "Managing. You?"

"Yeah…ok."

God, it's like rubbing two stones together and trying to get blood. Is that the analogy? 

"I've been meaning to come see you," Charlie admitted. "I wanted to see how you were going with your wrist and stuff."

I nodded. "It's going ok."

"What injuries is it exactly?"

"Hairline fracture," I said. "The worst kind."

Charlie shook his head. "Man, that sucks."

I nodded. "Yeah, it does."

"Will you be able to play again?"

I shrugged. "I have to keep it completely idle for 12 weeks, and then I guess I could start minor physical therapy to get it strong again."

Charlie nodded and looked around nervously. "Well, hopefully you'll be able to play again. The team is suffering without you."

My eyebrows shut up in surprise. "Really?" I asked, before I could stop myself. 

He nodded again. "We lost our last game to the Wildcats, 4-3."

I smiled slightly. "I seriously doubt I would've made a difference."

Charlie shrugged. "I'm sure if you weren't on everyone's mind, it would've made a difference."

Huh?

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged again. "You're not stupid, or blind. You know what's been happening the past few weeks. I can nearly bet that every single Duck was thinking about you the other night. Our heads weren't in the game without you taking center."

Wow.

"I'm sorry…"

He looked up, and looked directly at me. "I'm not asking for an apology. All I'm saying is that…I'm sorry, Banks. I'm sorry for acting like such an asshole. For completely abandoning you when you needed a friend most. I'm just so…sorry."

My heart began to beat faster and my palms began to sweat. "I understand."

"You might understand, but that doesn't excuse the way I treated you. You're my best friend Adam, and what I did was not something a best friend should do."

"Hey," I called softly to him. He looked up. "You're forgiven."

Charlie smiled slowly. "That's why you're my best friend. You're awesome."

He leant forward and pulled me into his arms, for a manly, but emotional hug. 

"Thanks," I said softly into his neck.

"What for?" he asked me, letting me go, blush creeping into his cheeks. 

"Just for being my friend."

He smiled. "I should be saying the same thing to you."

I clapped him on the shoulder with my good hand and smiled. "See you at breakfast?"

He smiled back at me. "I'll call by your room, ok?"

**

~|~ _Friday, 10:31_

_Something amazingly exciting has happened. I GOT MY BEST FRIEND BACK! Charlie Conway is officially taking the place of friend back. It was amazing. I'm actually sitting here, writing left-handed, and crying, I'm so happy!_

_I went to his room and we just talked, and he apologized. I don't think I've been this happy in a long time. _

_Adam D. Banks ~|~_

**

"Banks! You ready?"

I fumbled over to the door, my good arm in my t-shirt, my not good arm scrambling to shove itself into the right sleeve hole.

I wrenched open the door to reveal Charlie, who consequently busted out laughing at me. 

"Ok, shut up," I grumbled, managing to get my cast through the armhole, smiling satisfactorily. 

It was amazing. We'd been best friends again for less than 12 hours, but already I felt like a better person in his presence. 

"So…you gonna be ready **before **breakfast is finished…?"

I rolled my eyes and exited my room, pulling the door closed. 

"I was thinking," Charlie began as we trekked outside onto the quad. "That maybe we could go for a walk after breakfast and talk. I mean…if that's ok?"

I nodded. "Of course…"

We crossed the green grass between the dorms and the cafeteria, and I smiled. I was happy. 

"Adam!" Julie called, hurrying over, raising an eyebrow at me as she noticed Charlie. "How are you?"

I grinned. "I'm great."

She smiled at me and took my hand, squeezing it before starting a conversation with Charlie. 

I watched him talk to Julie, his tone effortless, his smile genuine. This was the man I wanted to love for the rest of my life. 

We entered the cafeteria and got a table, just me, Charlie and Julie. We were shortly joined by Portman and Fulton, who both seemed decidedly upbeat despite the recent events. 

"How in hell do you expect to eat scrambled eggs with one hand?" Charlie demanded of me once we'd gotten our breakfasts. 

I smiled and shrugged, not sure of the answer myself. 

I clutched my fork in my left hand and gingerly dug it into my eggs. I raised it halfway to my mouth before the eggs tumbled off, hitting my plate with a splat. 

Julie laughed and took my fork from me, gathering some eggs and putting it into my mouth. 

Everyone laughed as Julie fed me the rest of my eggs. Tomorrow morning I was having toast. 


	12. Version 9

"You ready for that walk?" Charlie asked me as we were walking out of the cafeteria. 

I nodded and we said goodbye to Julie, Fulton and Portman, and wandered out into the quad. 

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked Charlie patiently, fiddling with my sling that held my cast.

He shrugged. "Just…what happened. With the whole journal thing. What Guy did was really low…"

I nodded. "I'm sorry that you had to find out all that stuff that way."

"I woulda found out eventually."  

I looked away from him and pretending to admire the scenery around Eden Hall's stonewalls. 

"Adam…" Charlie called as we dropped down on a cement bush, in behind the school's prized hedges. 

I sat down next to him and turned my eyes toward him. What I saw took my breath away. His eyes looked at me sadly, and his face betrayed all of the courage he was trying to muster. He was vulnerable and scared. 

"Are you ok?" I asked him, reaching out my left hand, but pulling it back. 

Charlie swallowed. "I'm sorry about running off in the library the other day," he said softly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. I'm sorry that my pettiness got in the way of our friendship."

I reached over and squeezed his hand. "It's ok. Really."

"It isn't, not to me. I mean, you have a broken wrist and you might never play hockey again. I just wish that if I hadn't been such a prick, maybe that player wouldn't have taken you down…maybe if I'd been there, skating alongside you where I should've been…"  
  


I silenced him by putting my hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Charlie, that player would've taken me down if you were there or not. This is not your fault."

He looked up at me. "It feels like it is."

I sighed. "Ok, granted, you didn't act the way I would've liked you too when you read my journal, but what's done is done. You have no blame in this, it's Guy's fault. I've beaten myself up for all this already. My wrist was not something that you could've helped. Unless you'd suddenly acquired magical healing powers. I don't know what to say to you, ok? While yeah, I was hurt, I learnt to deal, things don't go my way—"

I was silenced as Charlie's lips covered mind. He was kissing me. I was kissing back. My first gay kiss. God.

I shut my eyes and wrapped my left arm around his shoulders, rubbing at his neck. I freed my broken wrist from my sling and rested it on his hip as our tongues danced in one another's mouth. My heart was beating fast and a hot flash ran up and down my spine as his hands found my waist, resting on exposed skin where my t-shirt had ridden up. 

"Wait," Charlie breathed suddenly, pulling away from my embrace. 

"What is it?" I panted, my lips raw from his kisses. 

"I – I can't do this. I – I'm not g-gay!" 

He ran his hands nervously through his hair, his eyes avoiding mine. 

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, embarrassed. 

"No, it's not your fault. I kissed you…I'm just so – confused!"

I nodded. "I shouldn't have…"

He turned back to me. "**I** shouldn't have done that, I didn't want you to think…I'm sorry, Adam. I just need to be alone."

I nodded again and got up, putting my cast back in its sling and walked off, my eyes daring me to look back. But I didn't. I just walked out from behind the hedge and headed back to my dorm, intending to spend my Saturday in my bed, watching cartoons. Alone with my trouble thoughts.

**

"Banksie?!" 

I groaned and rolled over, looking at my door in contempt. 

"Come in," I muttered. 

Julie came threw my door and her smile slipped from her face. 

"What happened?"  
  


I shrugged, sitting up. "Nothing that isn't out of the ordinary for me. As soon as things start looking good, life goes and throws a fucking curve ball."

She sat down beside me on my bed. "What happened?" she repeated. 

"Charlie kissed me," I muttered. 

"What?" she demanded, bouncing up and down. 

"Yeah, and then told me to leave him alone."

She stopped bouncing. "Oh Ads…I'm so sorry…"

"What am I supposed to do, Jules? How am I supposed to be around him and not love him. Every time I'm even near him, I want to hold him, touch him, kiss him. It's breaking my heart that I can't have him…"

She pulled me into her arms, and I lay my head down on her shoulder. "I can't help you Adam. No one can help you get through this. You have to do it yourself. I can't tell you what to do, anymore than Santa Claus can. This is all you."

I lifted my head up and looked at her. "Promise me you won't become a psychologist."  

She rolled her eyes. "I'm serious. The way you're feeling can't be fixed by anyone, it has to come from in here." She pointed to my heart. "If you give up…what was the point in sticking up for yourself in the first place?"

She placed a soft kiss to my temple and got up and left, leaving me alone to contemplate her words. 

Nearly immediately, I reached for my journal, still nestled in my pillow case and began to write. 

~|~ _Saturday, 11:41am_

_Julie's right. Only I can fix this. If I actually knew **what **to fix. I love Charlie, simple as that, and when he kissed me today…everything felt right. Nothing mattered but me and him, and I'd never felt that way before. He made me feel worthwhile, that my being gay didn't matter. _

_I wish I could help him figure all this out, because it's as confusing for me as it is for him. Well, maybe more so for him, considering he just kissed his gay best friend and claims he isn't gay himself. Yeah, he's definitely got it harder. _

_I want to go to him right now, hug him, tell him it's ok. I want to be there for him the way he was always there for me. But I can't. He doesn't need me right now. **I **need me. I need to look inside myself and figure stuff out. _

_When he's ready, he'll come see me. But I'm so scared that he'll tell me he's not gay, that the kiss was a mistake, he was just curious. I'll be crushed. I know I will be, because I love that man with all my heart, mind, body and soul. _

_So, now I'm gonna go, and I'm gonna take a nap, and hopefully when I wake up, all of my questions will be answered. And so will Charlie's…_

_Adam D. Banks. ~|~_

**

I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I just listened to REM on my discman, a CD that Charlie had leant me last year. 

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I began to think about all the times we'd had together, from the very first time I walked into the Ducks locker room, to when he'd forfeited his spot to play the final against Iceland, just so I could, and when we were skating out by the pond and the ice gave way after me, he stayed by my side. 

I sniffed and wiped my eyes as my phone began to ring. I pulled off my headphones and lunged for it. 

"Hello?"

"Hi." 

Charlie.

"Hey…" I said softly, sitting up more, looking at the clock. 2:15. 

"Um…you busy?" he asked, clearing his throat nervously. 

I shook my head. "No, I'm not."

Silence. 

"You ok?" he asked me. 

"Yeah, I'm ok," I said. "Are you?"

I could nearly see him shrugging, and then running a hand through his hair. "I'm…ok."

I nodded. I didn't know what to say. 

"Look, I just wanted to call…" 

I waited for him to finish, but he didn't. 

"I'll talk to you later…"

"Wait!" I blurted before I could stop myself. 

"Yeah?" Charlie asked. 

"I don't want to pressure you or anything, ok. But…just know…that I-I love you, ok?"

"Ok," he whispered and then the phone went dead. 

**

~|~ _Saturday, 2:20_

_I don't really have anything to say. I just wanted to write here. I need to do something after what I told him. After what I said. Did that make or break his decision? _

_I'm beginning to hate my dorm room. It's cream walls and boring décor. All of Guy's clothes and stuff are gone, so it's more like I'm living alone. Maybe I should just pull my room apart, and try to put it back together, to see what it'll look like. God, I'd do anything to get my mind of Charlie. _

_I could call Julie? Or Fulton? But what would I say? 'Sorry, I need to stop thinking about Charlie, can you come over and distract me?' Don't think so. My friends don't need to here all my problems. I could go for a walk. Go skating. Hell, I could fly to Paris if I wanted to. But getting away from Eden Hall and my dorm room isn't gonna get my mind and thoughts off Charlie Conway. It's impossible. _

_This whole fiasco reminds me of a stupid movie. All the angst and drama, when you know the leading characters are gonna end up together. But in this movie, my life, I don't know if Charlie and I are gonna get together. I mean, there's no denying that I would like that to happen, but I can't force him to feel a certain way. No more than I can force myself not to love him. _

_I can't help wondering if my movie is gonna be over soon. Am I reaching a climactic point? Will Charlie confess his undying love for me and we'll skate away in the sunset? Or will we both die, reminiscent of 'Romeo & Juliet'? I hate thinking. These days, thinking is such a hard thing to do. Everytime I think, I think of Charlie. _

_I wanna rip the thinking part outta my brain. Can you do that? Is there some sort of operation that removes thinking, and even memory? Because having that done would be easier than having to go through it. _

_I'm babbling. And I only babble when I'm scared. I guess that's what it is, I'm scared that I'll lose Charlie, my best friend. What if all this has freaked him out and he thinks that it'd be better if we weren't friends? GOD! STOP THINKING!_

_This left-handed writing is hard. I'm gonna go for a walk, maybe buy a crapload of junkfood at the student center. _

_Adam D. Banks. ~|~_

**

I huddled down deeper into my Eden Hall letter jacket, the wind had suddenly picked up and was carrying a startling chilly breeze. I hurried across the quad, not in the mood to talk to anyone, just to get my junkfood and gorge on it somewhere. 

I got into line in the student center food line and had three packets of chips and MnM's in my arms before I reached halfway through the line. I added a jumbo bag of both red and black licorice and 2 chocolate bars and finally paid for my stash, carrying the grocery bags out and back onto the quad. 

I chewed thoughtfully on a Nutty Butty as I strolled, the fresh air filling my lungs and clearing my head. A little bit, anyway. 

My eyes searched the sky above me for meaning, but all I got was rolling dark clouds and the occasional rumble of thunder. It was a movie and junkfood night. I had the junkfood down…I just needed a movie. 

Or I could go to the hockey game that night. 

I entered my dorm building and climbed the stairs, walking along the corridor to get to my room. I threw the door open and put my food away, noticing a key and a piece of paper on Guy's bed. 

I opened the piece of paper and it said: 

Gone to stay with Luis and Averman. Here's my key

At least I knew for sure Guy was gone. I didn't have to worry about my ice-cream being eaten. 

I pulled off my clothes and pulled on jeans and a long-sleeved sweater, slipping my jacket on over the top. The team would be warming up. I may as well make an appearance. I craved the excitement of a hockey match. 

I popped a regular strength Tylenol for my wrist and grabbed a glove from my drawer to put on over my cast, and headed out towards the rink. 

I strolled slowly, not in any hurry. I just wanted to breathe the early evening air and try to get some perspective on what was going on in my life. 

I ran into Julie as she hurried in, late, and I walked her to the locker room. 

"You thought any more about what I said?" she asked as she dug her hockey gear out of her bag in the empty locker room. 

I shrugged. "You were right, if that's what you mean. And I've been trying to work everything out ever since."

She smiled. "Good." Her hands went to the hem of her shirt. "Can you turn around?"

I smiled wryly. "I'm gay, remember."

She blushed. "Yeah, but you're still a boy. And no one has seen my girl parts…and I want to keep it that way for a little while longer."

I chuckled and swiveled around on the bench, facing a locker. Charlie's. I reached out and ran my fingers over his shirt hanging in there, and then over the worn canvas on his shoes. It even smelled like him. Like sweat, toothpaste and something I could never place. 

I leant forward and took a deep breath, a smile playing on my lips. The mysterious smell was licorice. Charlie smelled like my favorite candy. 

"Ok, done." Julie said. 

I didn't hear her, my whole focus was on this locker, this smell. Licorice. How did I not pick that up. 

"Hello? Adam?"

I turned my head, looking over to wear Julie stood, pads on, an inquisitive look on her face.

I smiled. "Charlie smells like licorice."

She looked at me funny. "Ok then…and I smell like triple fudge ice-cream. Not to mention Portman, who smells like popcorn…what are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath, the smell invading my nostrils. "Practically ever since I've known Charlie, he's always smelt a certain way. Sweat, toothpaste and this smell I could never guess. And now, just looking at his locker, and just breathing in…it's licorice. Charlie smells like my favorite candy."

Julie smiled and came over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I think you should seek psychiatric help."

I laughed as she turned from me, slipping her uniform on over her pads. 

"Maybe this is a sign…" I took another deep breath. The smell was euphoric. 

Julie snorted. "And maybe Charlie rubs licorice onto himself every morning. Don't get your hopes up Adam. It's just a coincidence."

"Maybe," I admitted. "But smell this." I shoved Charlie's Minnesota Youth Club t-shirt in her face. 

She took a tentative sniff. "Yeah, ok…licorice. But…that doesn't mean anything."

I smiled. "I know it doesn't. I just want to think it does." 


	13. Version 10

"Tonight we have the Eden Hall Mighty Ducks versus the Brighton Bears. Just how is this match going to turn out…no one knows."

I found a seat just two rows behind the Ducks bench, and I sank into it gratefully. After standing in line for popcorn for 20 minutes, I was slightly annoyed and irritated. I just wanted to watch the game. 

A cheer erupted as the Ducks skated out onto the ice, lead by Charlie. His mere presence made my heart beat slower and faster at the exact same time. But his body language was different, his shoulders were hunched over, and even though I couldn't see his face, I knew his eyes would be troubled. 

"Banks!" I looked up and caught Coach Orion's eye. Damn. "Down here, Banks!"

Rather than say no to my coach and be forced to give an explanation, I trudged down the stairs and stepped into the bench. 

"How's the wrist?" 

I smiled. "Still broken."

"A comedian, huh?" Orion asked, half-smiling, his eyes between me and his players. 

I sank down onto the backbench, out of the way. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But I also didn't want to arise suspicions with my coach. 

I cringed as Orion blew his whistle and the Ducks skated over, mostly surprised to see me sitting there, my half-eaten bucket of popcorn in my lap, my eyes averting theirs. 

As Orion began to physce them up, I tuned out, trying my damned hardest not to look at Charlie, even though I could feel his eyes boring into the top of my head. 

I was uncomfortable. And when I felt the bench give next to me, I looked up and saw Charlie. 

"Hey," he said, clearing his throat, his helmet in his hands. 

"Hi," I said softly, tilting my popcorn bucket in his direction. 

He smiled ever so slightly and dipped his hand in, shoving the popcorn in his mouth. 

I looked down at my cast resting in my lap, opting to leave the sling at home, and I pretended to be fascinated by it. 

"This is weird."

I looked over at Charlie. "Yes."

He shrugged. "We'll talk later." He pulled his glove on. "This isn't the time or place."

As he got up and slid his helmet on and skated out onto the ice, I had to wonder when he suddenly got so…knowledgeable. Worldy? Responsible? I don't know, all I know is that when he left the bench, he left me confused. Was he the same Charlie Conway?

I spent the rest of the game thoroughly into it. It's so different to watch a hockey game in an actual rink rather than play. It's a whole different perspective. I liked it. 

The Ducks won, 9-2. Julie thinks it was because I was there. But I told her not to be stupid. 

I don't know what possessed me to hang around, pacing outside of the locker room, but I did. 

"You waiting for me?" Charlie said softly as he stood in front of me, his hair wet from his shower. 

I shrugged. "I don't know what I'm doing here."

I looked up at him. I looked at his face, his eyes, his nose, his lips. I'd kissed those lips this morning and now…I was scared to even be with him. 

"Well, I'd suggest we go for a walk, but we both know what happened after we went for a walk this morning…"  
  


I smiled. "History doesn't have to repeat itself."

We both began slowly moving out into the cold night air. Most of the crowd has disolved and all that were left were some official looking people and a couple of teachers. 

Charlie and I walked past them, and before I realized, we were walking the long way back to the dorm. 

"Silence is deafening," Charlie said eventually as we walked beneath an ivy-strewn walkway. 

I nodded. "I never thought talking would be this hard…"

Charlie cleared his throat as we kept walking, our shoes scuffing the ground, making the only sounds between us. 

"Wait," Charlie said suddenly, putting his arm out to stop me. 

I stopped. "What is it?"

He lifted his head skyward and shrugged. "I have no idea."

"I don't want to force you to do anything, ok? I just want you to do what's right."

Charlie dropped his hockey bag and grabbed my face, smothering my lips with his eager kisses. His tongue roamed my mouth and I responded readily. My hands caressed his waist, pulling him close to me so our bodies touched. 

This was a major turn-on. 

I ran my good hand through his hair, lightly tugging at the hair on the back of his neck as his hands slid up my back, under my t-shirt.

I moaned lightly into his mouth and he sprang back, as if burned or bitten. 

"Charlie – what?"

"I – I don't know if I'm g—gay."

Phew, at least he didn't tell me to piss off. 

I stepped back, leaning up against the stone wall of the walkway. 

"I just…kissing you feels good…" Charlie began. "But, I just don't understand…I went out with Linda, Marci, Gretchen, Hilary…"

I took his hands and pulled him a bit closer to me. "I went out with Bradi, Talisa, Bonnie…I felt the same when I thought I was liking boys…"

He pulled his hands away and began to pace. "Banks, this is all weird to me, I'm not like you, and I haven't felt this way for however long you have. I'm kinda freaking out here."

I nodded. "I get that, Charlie. But I'm here to help you."

He nodded and stopped pacing, his eyes fixed on mine. "Whenever I'm with you, I feel…good, Adam. Really good. And I like this feeling. But I don't know if I'm **actually **gay."

I got up and went over to him and placed my arms around him. "I'm here for whenever you wanna talk."

I let him go and looked at him. He kissed my lips softly, but I pulled away. 

"I don't wanna confuse you."

He smiled. "Adam, I'm already confused as it is."

I cupped his chin with my good hand. "I love you Charlie Conway."

Then I turned and walked away. 

**

Tears were streaming down my face as I shut the door to my dorm room. Why, you ask? The man I love had just given me the kiss of a lifetime and here I am sobbing like a girl. 

I'm crying because I don't think he'll ever be mine. Not in the way I want him. I want to hold him, kiss him, fall asleep in his arms, do things to him that expresses my love…

Maybe I'd never get him, maybe Charlie Conway would never actually be mine. I sank onto my bed, my vision blurred and I immediately wanted to crawl under my covers and sleep for the rest of my life. But I didn't. I paced, trying to get my head around yet another obstacle that is my life. 

I tapped my fingers against my cast, my head a blur with thoughts and reasoning. How many times would I have to do this, to think so completely about my feelings in relation to Charlie? This was becoming monotonous, and stressful. 

I was beginning to feel closed in, like the walls to my newly single room were rushing toward me at an invariably fast speed. I needed to get out of there. 

I grabbed my jacket and rushed out of my room, down the hall and into the crisp night air. I gulped in huge mouthfuls of air, my heart beating wildly and my hands shaky. Why did he make me feel this way?

"You're not having a heart attack are you?" 

I looked up. 

"Hey Fulton," I said. 

He smiled and grabbed my shoulder. "Well, you're not dying, right?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not. Even though it sometimes feels as though I am."

He led me over to the stone bench and table and pushed me down. "What are you even doing out here?"

I shrugged. "My room is too small."  
  


He frowned. "Ok…"

"What are you doing?" I asked him, running a hand through my hair. 

He shrugged. "Thinking. But you look like shit…what's up?"

I sniffed. "Charlie and I are…messed up."

"Yeah, he told me about your rendezvous this morning…pretty steamy."

I blushed and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. And the one we had about 20 minutes ago…"

Fulton raised his eyebrows. "God…so does this mean you two are…you know?" he smiled and punched my shoulder. 

I shook my head. "Far from it. Charlie's confused…"

"Ah," Fulton said knowingly. "That's rough."

I rolled my eyes at him. "No, it's actually a walk in the park."

We sat in silence for a bit before Fulton spoke again. 

"I'm gonna go, ok?" 

I frowned and looked up. "Ok…"  
  


"Have a good night, Banks."

I nodded and nearly immediately, someone else dropped down into Fulton's seat. 

"Charlie…" 

"Don't say anything," he said, moving a leg to either side of the bench, mirroring me. 

"Ok."

He took a deep breath. 

I watched him closely, his eyes shining in the moonlight, his fear and uncertainty evident in their murky depths. He had such a charisma. He was the man I'd wanted to be with before I ever even thought I was gay. 

I watched him shake his hair out his face, the light brown waves settling around his face, framing him like a precious photo. I wanted to remember how he looked at that exact moment forever. I wanted to look back in 20 years time and be able to see how he looked. 

He clasped his hands nervously in his lap, his eyes roaming to them, his slender fingers entwined together. Beautiful. There was no other way to describe him. Charlie. 

I slipped my left hand into his hand squeezed reassuringly. 

"I just wanna say something," I began. He didn't stop me. "You're amazing. To me, you're perfect. That's all."

He looked up, his eyes boring into mine, and I could see the tears there. I wanted to kiss them away, to hold him so tightly and love him. 

"Charlie, talk to me…"

"Adam – I…"


	14. Version 11

I reached up and pushed my hand through his still damp hair. 

He leant forward, easing against my body, his head against my shoulder. He shook lightly with sobs, and I wanted desperately to ask what was wrong. But he just needed me. Needed me to hold him. 

My arms wrapped around his body, holding him close, and sliding forward on the bench so our knees touched. I could feel his heart beating against my chest and I took a deep breath, my nerves taking over. 

"Adam, I don't know what to say…" he whispered into my neck. 

I rubbed his back. "You don't have to say anything."

"Yes, I do," Charlie said, sitting up. "I've been playing with your feelings today, and you deserve an explanation, or at least an answer…"

I took a deep breath, waiting for his answer. 

He looked up at me, with such emotion in his eyes. "Adam, I think I love you."

My heart rate dropped rapidly and I think I lost all vocabulary skills. 

"Uh…wh-what?" I stuttered. 

Charlie cupped my face with his hands, his blue eyes boring into mine. "I love you, Adam Banks."

My whole body went weak, and I slid forward into his arms, wrapping him in a tight, loving hug. 

I tried to process this information, but it was nearly impossible. Charlie loved me? 

"How?" I choked out, sitting up. 

Charlie played with my fingers. "I love you. I don't know how or why. But I think I've had feelings for you for a long time. And when I found at that you might reciprocate some of those feelings…I freaked. I'm so sorry, Adam."

I brought his fingers to my lips, kissing the tips of them gently. "Don't be sorry, Charlie. Never be sorry."

He stroked my cheek, a tear rolling down his cheek. "You're what I always wanted…I just didn't realize it till now."

I took a deep breath and leant in to kiss him. The feeling of my lips on his, finally, after all this mess, was like a cathartic experience. I was home, I was with the man I loved, and he loved me back. 

His strong arms enveloped me, folding me into his arms effortlessly, and slid me towards him on the stone bench, so that my legs rested over the top of his. His kisses were urgent, like he needed me to breathe. Like the way **I **needed **him **to breathe. 

My left hand tangled in his hair while my cast sat happily on his hip, my head swimming with happiness, and my body hot from arousal. 

"Charlie…" I whispered, leaning my forehead against his. "This probably isn't the best place to get so…active."

He panted lightly, his hand caressing my neck. "You're probably right. We should go back to your room."

My eyebrows shot up at his suggestion and I blushed. Did I want what my evil mind was so obviously suggesting? 

He placed a tender, short kiss to my lips and got up, reaching out a hand to me. I accepted it and let him pull me up, his hand slipping into mine perfectly. I looked down at our joined hands and was amazed how well they fit together, like two pieces of a puzzle. 

We walked back into the dorms and up the stairs, stopping outside of my room momentarily. 

I turned to him. "Once we go in there, there's no turning back," I told him. 

He smiled, his eyes dancing with mischief. "I haven't wanted to turn back since I kissed you this morning."

This morning? Was it just a short 12 hours ago we'd shared our first kiss? It felt like weeks. 

"But are you positively sure?" I asked, my hand on the doorknob. 

Charlie smiled, a smile that lit up his whole face, and mine too. Without warning, he pressed his lips to mine, opening the door with his other hand, sending us tumbling into the room. 

"Is that sure enough for you?" he asked once we'd regained our balance and the door was closed, the lock slid in place for extra measure. 

I smiled. "I think that's sure enough."

I walked away from him before I lost control, and I sat down on my bed, pulling off my jacket and then my shoes. I felt the bed give as he sat down behind me. 

"Is this weird for you?" I asked him. 

"No," he answered. "And it's weird just how not weird this is."

I smiled. "You have a way with words, Charlie Conway."

I turned around to look at him. 

He smiled. "That's why you love me."

I leant across so our faces nearly touched. "That, among other things."

He pressed his lips to mine in the softest of kisses, and lay me down on my bed, his body fitting in next to mine snugly. 

I wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me once more, then moving to lay his head on my chest. 

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this," I admitted softly, stroking his hair. 

He traced patterns on my torso through my shirt. "How long?"  
  


I smiled. "About a year. Even more."

I could feel him smile. "I wish I'd realized how I felt about you sooner. We could have spent more time together before going off to college."

My smile faded. College. I had no idea where Charlie was going, but I knew that I had a definite place at Minnesota University if I wanted to go. 

"College seems so far away, Charlie. We still have Christmas break to get through, remember?"

He sighed. "Yeah, I know. But I don't want to think of losing you now that I've found you." He propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at me. "You know what I mean?"

I nodded. "'Course I do. But you're not gonna lose me. Even if we end up going to colleges at opposite ends of the Earth…you will not lose me."

He swallowed. "Can I ask you a question, Adam?"

I looked at him. "Sure."

He cleared his throat nervously and looked away. "You don't expect that we're gonna…"

"What?" I prompted. 

He coughed. "I mean, are you expecting to sleep with me tonight?"

A blush rose up in my face, and I wondered momentarily if Charlie could reads minds. "No, we don't have to do anything we don't want to."

He smiled. "I mean, I do…but, maybe tonight, after everything…" he blushed profusely. "You know what I mean."

I ran a hand through his hair. "I know what you mean. And I want to…with you. But like you said…"

He nodded. "So, what is this? Us?"

I took a deep breath. "I don't know. I'm still blown away that you actually feel the same way."

He smiled. "I'm nervous."

"Why?" I asked. 

"This is all new to me. You understand?"

I smiled. "Of course."

"Am I your first relationship? I mean, with guys?" Charlie asked. 

I nodded. "You're my first, Charlie."

"You're my first too."

I smiled. "Not first in that way though, right? I mean, you and Hilary, last year?"

Charlie smiled. "Yeah. My first time was with Marci though. But it was nothing special. What about you?"

"With Bradi," I admitted. "But like you said, nothing special."

"First kiss?" 

I took a deep breath. "With Julie after the Goodwill Games."

Charlie laughed. "Julie Gaffney? Man, that's a good one. I'll have to thank her for teaching you how to kiss."

I blushed. "Yeah, sure. Who was your first kiss?"

"Connie, when we were kids."

I laughed. "I think I have to talk to her about your kissing technique. It's a little sloppy."

Charlie scoffed, sliding onto my body, holding himself off me. "Yeah, I'll show you sloppy!"

I laughed as his mouth covered mine in heated kisses. 

He pulled back and gave me a look. "Well?"

I grinned. "It could be better."

He laughed and let his weight fall onto my body semi-crushing me.

He sighed and hugged me tight, and I let my arms slide around him. 

"It's been a long day…" he said softly. He sat up suddenly and pulled off his shirt, then slid his pants off and dumped them on the floor. 

I blushed. No matter how many times I'd seen him topless, and practically naked, it was a completely different story when he was in my bed, getting ready to fall asleep in my arms. 

"What?" he demanded, catching my look. 

"Nothing," I said. "You just have no idea about how hot you make me feel."

He pretended to look shocked as he pulled me into a sitting position. "Arms up," he ordered and I obeyed, and he pulled my shirt up over my head. He grinned. "Now, I can do your pants for you, but I don't know if you want me to do that. See, I'd have to do it with my teeth, because suddenly, my hands aren't working."

I laughed. "Ha ha, Conway. You ain't getting your mouth near my goods on the first night!"  
  


He laughed too. "Come on, you've seen mine."

"That was a year ago!" 

Charlie laughed, throwing his head back happily. "Tell you what, you show me yours and I'll show you mine again."

I rolled my eyes as I stripped down to my boxers, reaching over and flicking the lamp off, plunging the room into darkness. "G'night Charlie."

He settled down next to me, his breath tickling my chest. "'Night Adam."

And that night, I fell asleep truly happy. 


	15. Version 12

"Wake up or I'm eating all your licorice."

I smiled and rolled over to see Charlie sitting on Guy's vacated bed, his hand in my packet of red licorice. 

"Hey," I protested and sat up, rubbing my eyes. "That's my favourite candy you got there. Don't force me to get possessive."

In response, he shoved another piece into his mouth. "I know it's your favourite."

I mock-glared at him, and threw back my covers, pouncing on him. 

"Share?" I pouted, opening my mouth to him. 

He dropped a piece of licorice in and then placed a kiss on my lips as I chewed. 

"Sleep ok?" he asked. 

I nodded. "Better than I have in maybe…five years."

Charlie rolled his eyes. 

"I'm serious." 

He put the bag of candy aside and leaned forward and hugged me. "I'm happy." 

I smiled. "Why is that?"

"Because I have you."

I smiled again and hugged him tightly before letting go. I noticed he was already dressed. 

"You need help getting dressed?" Charlie asked innocently, putting my bag of licorice away. 

"I have to have a shower, but I can do that on my own," I told him, fetching a plastic bag and stick tape. "Make yourself useful and put this on."

He helped me on with the bag, and stuck it to my arm, planting a quick kiss on my lips. "Go shower and then we'll go to breakfast."

I did as I was told and showered quickly, managing to dress myself with minimal help. 

"You ready?" I asked as I combed my hair. 

Charlie nodded. 

We exited my room and started down the hall. I reached for Charlie's hand but he pulled away, choosing instead to put his hands in his pockets. 

Ok…

We made our way into the cafeteria and sat down, quickly joined by Julie, Portman and Fulton. 

"Hey guys," Julie said. 

I smiled at her. "Hey Jules."

"You seem good," Julie commented, ripping the lid off her yoghurt. 

I nodded. "I feel good." I looked for Charlie's hand under the table, my hand landing on his thigh. He jumped like he was burnt. He shot me a look and moved his chair away from me. 

I ate my toast in silence, confused and a little bit hurt that Charlie could so easily blow me off once we were in public. 

Julie kicked me under the table and I looked up at her. 

"After breakfast," I said softly, draining my juice. 

Without fail, Julie grabbed my arm after we'd eaten and practically dragged me out into the morning sunshine. 

"So?"

I half-smiled. "Charlie spent the night."

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "You didn't…did you?"

I blushed. "That's none of your business…but no, we didn't."

She smiled. "So, why the face?"

I shrugged. "Ever since we left my room last night, he won't touch me, or even look at me. It's like he doesn't want anyone to know."

She clicked her tongue. "Maybe he's nervous? Or scared?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I thought so too, but…I mean, he would've said something."

She put an arm around my shoulder. "Well, good luck Adam. I'm happy this is finally happening."

I smiled and gave her a hug, seeing Charlie over her shoulder. That was all well and good, but was anything **actually **happening?

**

~|~ _Sunday, 12:02_

_So, Charlie and I are an item. Or at least we are behind closed doors. I mean, don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier to finally have him, but it seems like that we're only together when no one else can see. _

_After I'd talked to Julie, Charlie made some lame excuse about studying with Fulton and took off, much to my dismay. What's with him? What happened to the loveable, affectionate Charlie Conway I woke up to this morning? Am I suddenly not good enough for him? Man, I'm nervous. Like, more than usual, I'm pacing while writing this, so I doubt this is even legible. _

_Why doesn't Charlie want to scream about us from the rooftops like I do? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? How can he say he loves me when he doesn't want to be with me? _

_Should I go find him? I want to. I want to talk to him, find out what the hell is going on, because I don't wanna waste my time on him if he's just playing with my feelings. _

_But God, I love him so much. When I held him last night, everything seemed to fall into place, but considering my bad luck, I should've known that everything was too good to be true. I can hear something outside my door. I better go. _

_Adam D. Banks_

**

"Hey," I said softly as Charlie came in. 

"Hi," he said brightly, coming over to me, his arms out. 

"Wait."

He stopped short, a troubled look on his face. "What's the matter?"

"Why won't you let me touch you?"  
  


Charlie's face broke out into a grin. "You can touch me all you want."

I shook my head. "In public. This morning you wouldn't let me hold your hand or anything. What's going on?"

Charlie looked away, pink crawling into his cheeks. "I'm just…nervous, that's all. I like you a lot, Adam."

I sighed. "I like you a lot too, Charlie. But you let me kiss you and touch you when no one's around, but as soon as we're in public, you avoid me like the plague."

Charlie moved forward. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I guess I'm still confused, not about us, but about this whole gay thing. I kept assuring myself I was straight for so long, and now…I'm not. And it's freaking me out."

I looked into his eyes and my heart melted. "I'm sorry. I'm being insecure and stupid, I didn't even think about how you felt."

He pulled me against his strong chest. "I love you. Never doubt that."

I smiled and hugged him tight. "You ok? I mean, we don't have to tell people about us yet if you don't want."

He let me go and smiled. "I want to. I really do. I want to print it in the newspaper and hand out flyers…I just want to take things slow…I mean, look at us, it's like we're an old couple. Sleeping in the same bed, saying 'I love you'…I mean, don't get me wrong, I do love you, it's just gone from nothing to everything and I'm a little intimidated."

I smiled and stroked his cheek. "I though I was the only one. I'm scared outta my mind that I'm gonna screw this up," I admitted. 

He kissed my forehead. "I just want to take it slow. You know, have a couple of dates…things like that. Last night, I think we got too caught up in everything…it was a bit daunting."

I cuddled into him, my body warm all over. "Yeah, I think so too. But, there's no denying how hot you make me."  
  
Charlie laughed. "You don't exactly turn me off either."

I blushed a little. This conversation would only lead us into making out. 

He let me go a bit and leant his head down, kissing me softly. 

I responded gently to his kiss, not wanting to force anything. 

He was right, we were jumping in too fast, and if we weren't careful, we'd sink instead of swim. But this felt right, taking things slow.

"You know, I think we should have a date tonight," Charlie said suddenly. "We'll go see a movie."

I smiled. "A, the date cliché. Dinner and a movie."

"Who said anything about dinner?" 

I laughed. "You, Charlie Conway, are cheap."

He grinned. "I am. But you love me."

**

"So, 'Pearl Harbour' or 'Legally Blonde'?"

"How about… 'Legally Blonde'?"

Charlie nodded. "Sure thing, babe." He slipped his hand into mine as we approached the ticket booth. 

The feeling of being with him, uninhabited was exhilarating. I had a boyfriend. And I got to show him off to the world. 

Well, maybe not the world, but Minneapolis, Minnesota was a start. 

Charlie tugged on my hand as we moved into the theatre, it already dark, and took seats towards the back. 

His arm nearly immediately curved around my shoulders, and we quickly got the armrest up and out of the way. 

I cuddled into his side and felt safe and warm. 

"Licorice…" I muttered, smiling to myself. 

"Did you want licorice?" Charlie asked, looking at me. 

I shook my head. "No. It's just that you smell like licorice."

"I do?"

I nodded. "Ever since I knew you, you always smelt a particular way. And there was always a smell I could never pick up on, but I realised the other day, yesterday, that it was licorice. You smell like my favourite candy."

Charlie smiled lovingly. "Hey, it's fate."

I smiled as the previews began to roll and lay my head back down on his shoulder. 

His breath flew across my face each time he exhaled, and I'm pretty sure I didn't watch much of the movie. I was mesmerised by him. The way his body felt next to him, and his smell. And the way he traced patterns on my shoulder without realising it. It was the little things he did that reminded me just how much I love him. 

"You want some popcorn?" Charlie whispered to me, about halfway through the movie. 

"None for me, thanks," I said. "But I'll have licorice."

Charlie smiled. "You could just lick me?"

I blushed, thankful the theatre was dark. He always knew what to say to make me sexually uncomfortable. 

"I'll just go with a bag, thanks," I said softly. 

In the dark, Charlie sat up, fishing for his wallet in his pants. He moved to get up, but first surprised me with a hard kiss, his lips only lingering on mine for a minute before he exited our row and out the door. 

I smiled to myself. Charlie was the sweetest most sensitive soul I'd ever known. 

"Here you go," he said when he returned, dumping a bag of licorice in my lap. 

"Thanks," I whispered as he sat down. I impulsively reached over and kissed his lips. 

He smiled in the dark. "I need to do stuff for you more often."

I didn't say anything, just resumed my place on his shoulder. 

The movie was good, although like I said, I didn't really watch much. I just reflected. 

"Wasn't too bad, was it?" Charlie said as we strolled from the theatre, hand in hand, and as happy as can be. 

"A bit…pink for my tastes." I smiled at him. 

He gave me a wry look. "Adam, you're gay, pink is like our colour."

I laughed. "Maybe it's your colour, but it sure ain't mine!"

He laughed with me and placed a kiss on my temple as we walked through the nearly deserted streets of Minneapolis. 

"This was fun," I said softly as we reached my car. 

He nodded. "It was. We should go out on dates more often."

I threw him my keys and waited for him to unlock it. 

"Uh, Adam. I'm not being responsible to drive your porche back to campus."

"My wrist hurts," I told him. "And anyway, I trust you."

He took a deep breath and hit the remote and the buttons popped up. I slipped in and did up my seatbelt. 

Charlie started the engine and it roared to life. 

"Just drive," I told him and he looked at me nervously. 

He pulled out and we shot down the road. 

"Man, this drives like crazy."

I laughed. "You're going good."

We careened down the streets of Minnesota, heading for campus. 

I reached across the seats and laced my fingers with Charlie's. 

"You can drive one-handed, can't you?" I asked him, a smile playing on my lips.

He shot me a look. "Yes, I can."

I smiled as we drove, our silence over the car like a comfortable blanket. 

We pulled into campus 20 minutes later and Charlie expertly parked outside the dorms. We walked in hand-in-hand and stopped at my door. 

"Ok," I swallowed. "You could come in, we could make out for a bit and you can have the spare bed, or we could part now, go back to our separate rooms and not be able to get to sleep because we're thinking about each other."

Charlie took a deep breath and pinned me to the door. "I'm opting for coming in. Only because that's the polite thing to do."

I smiled to myself and turned around, fumbling with the doorknob and finally getting it open and we quickly locked ourselves in, becoming a mass tangle of limbs as we clawed at each other, desperate for one another's kiss. 

There are only two words that describe us: 'hot' and 'heavy'. We fell back onto what I thought was my bed, but which actually turned out to be the hard floor and I grunted as Charlie's weight landed on me. 

"We are really getting out of hand," I told him as we lay on the carpet, panting. 

He nodded. "I agree. Why is it that we can appear civilised in public but as soon as we're alone all I want to do is kiss you?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "But if we keep going like this, we're gonna be doing the 'not sleeping together' thing a lot sooner than we want to."  
  


Charlie took a deep breath. "If it means I get to kiss you…let's sleep together."

I chuckled. "You're just saying that because you want my body."

Charlie laughed. "You can see right through me…"

I rolled over and propped myself up on my elbow. "We're not sleeping together. Not tonight, and not for a while, but that doesn't mean we can't kiss…"  
  


I punctuated my statement with said kiss. 

Charlie pushed me away by the shoulders. "How about we just get into separate beds, then?"

I nodded, getting up and reaching down for Charlie. 

He kissed me once he was standing. "'Night lover."


	16. Version 13

~|~ _Monday, 7:49am_

_Charlie's still sleeping, snoring peacefully. I don't want to wake him, he looks so cute bundled up under the covers, a goofy grin on his face, his hair a mess. But I know if I don't wake him soon, we'll miss breakfast. And our first class. _

_I don't know how to describe the way I'm feeling right now. Elated? I guess so, but I can't help thinking that it's all **too **perfect, if you know what I mean? Like I'm expecting the hammer to drop and shatter the past two days into tiny, irreplaceable pieces. _

_That's depressing. _

_I don't want to think about depressing things today, I want to be happy and completely sad-free! I just want to be in love._

_I wonder if Charlie would mind me climbing into bed next to him?_

_Adam D. Banks ~|~_

**

"Morning," I said softly, my lips lightly brushing Charlie's ear as he slept. 

A smile curved onto his face. "Morning," he muttered, reaching out blindly to pull me close. 

I relented and let him hug me to his still-warm body beneath the covers. 

"You need to get up if you want breakfast," I told him softly, resting my forehead against his. 

He pushed the back the covers and opened his eyes. "Why don't I have you for breakfast?"  
  


I laughed. "Dirty boy. Get up," I got out of bed and instantly my body ached to be next to his again, to feel his arms around me, to feel his breath on my cheek. 

But I didn't give in to my desires. I just fetched a pair of cargo shorts and a t-shirt, throwing them at Charlie. 

"Up," I commanded, smoothing out my somewhat crinkled polo shirt. 

He groaned and sat up, pushing a hand through his messy bed-head. "Slave driver…" he muttered as he got up and stumbled toward the bathroom, shutting the door and turning on the spray. 

I smiled to myself as I sat down on my bed, pulling my skate shoes on my feet, and packing my backpack for the day. I had physics, advanced geometry and legal studies, and two free periods. Fun. 

The door to the bathroom suddenly opened and Charlie stood, a towel wrapped around his waist. 

"Got a pair of boxers I can swipe?"

I blushed and got up, retrieving a pair from my drawer, throwing them at him. "Now get back in there before I'm forced to de-towel you."

He laughed and shut the door, and I could hear him getting dressed as he softly sang a song. 

As I was brushing my hair, Charlie came out from the bathroom, his hair wet and neatly combed, looking mighty delicious in my clothes. 

"These aren't so bad," he commented, pulling his own shoes on. "I have to admit, you have style, cake-eater."

I laughed and pulled him into my arm as he stood up. "And you have an amazing body."

He smiled. "I need to stop by my room to get my books."

I nodded and reluctantly let him go as we left my room, heading down the hall. We entered. 

"Hey Fulton," I greeted as he was shoving things into his bag. 

"Hey," he said. "Where have you been the past two nights?" he asked Charlie, a smile on his face. 

Charlie shrugged. "Adam and I spent them together in his room, passionately exploring each other."

Fulton made a face. "God, that's gross."

I laughed and blushed. "It's ok, it's not true."

"Thank God…" Fulton muttered. 

Charlie grabbed his bag and got his books, looking to me. "So, breakfast?"

I nodded and moved out into the hall, waiting for Charlie and Fulton.

We headed down the hall, talking aimlessly when I felt Charlie's hand slip into mine. I smiled and bit the inside of my lip to keep from impulsively kissing him, and I noticed Fulton giving us a look. 

We made it through the cafeteria line painlessly and took a table, shortly joined by Julie and Portman, who shot knowing looks between them. 

"So, spill. Couple or not?" Portman demanded, hooking into his massive breakfast. 

I blushed. "Couple."

"Woo hoo!" Julie crowed, getting the attention from nearby tables. "Pay up, I said they'd be a couple by this morning."  
  


Portman grumbled and handed over $10.

"You guys bet on our coupling?" Charlie asked, feigning insult. 

Julie shrugged. "I knew it would be a sure thing. You two were meant to be together."  
  


I smiled and looked over at Charlie, who was smiling back at me. His hand found my thigh under the table and squeezed. 

I turned my attention back to my breakfast, and ate my toast happily. 

Julie caught my eye as I was sipping my juice. "Congrats."

I smiled. "Thanks." 

She smiled at me and squeezed my hand over the table. And again, I thanked God that there were people as wonderful as Julie Gaffney on this earth. 

"Banks, we got physics," Portman quipped, picking his satchel up off the floor and slinging it over his body. 

I looked over at Charlie, disheartened that I wouldn't see him till lunch. 

"Bye," I said softly, taking his hand. 

He smiled. "Bye," he echoed, leaning over and placing a sound kiss on my lips. 

My cheeks blushed a furious shade of red and I stood up on shaky legs. 

"See ya later," Fulton said, trying to hide a smile. 

I waved and followed Portman out of the cafeteria towards our physics class. 

**

"What's it like?" Portman hissed at me as our physics teacher immersed himself in hydrocratic equations. 

"What?" I hissed back, scribbling a problem in my book. 

"Being with another guy?"  
  


I put my pen down and looked at Portman. Everything was so hard for him. The Ducks barely acknowledged his presence. I felt bad for him. 

"It's what I've been waiting for," I said truthfully. 

Portman's eyes filled with longing, with sadness. "I wish I had that."

I clapped him on the back discreetly. "You will. I know you will."

He smiled. "Thanks Banksie," he told me, going back to his work. 

I watched him as he wrote hastily, raising his eyes to the front of the room ever so often to copy the work down. He was going through a lot. His friends have alienated him and he doesn't have anyone to tell him it's ok. 

"Hey Portman," I called softly. 

He looked back at me. "Yeah?"

"If I wasn't with Charlie, I'd date you."

He snorted softly. "No offense, Banksie, but you don't float my boat, if you know what I mean."

I smiled. "That's ok then."

I went back to my physics feeling a little better for Portman. So what if he didn't have a boyfriend, he had me and Julie and Fulton and Charlie. 

"Mr Banks. Care to share what's so fascinating about Mr Portman?" Mr Goodrick called out from the front of the classroom. 

I blushed and shook my head. "No sir," I muttered, picking up my pen and busying myself with my work. 

**

Hockey practice. 

Whoever decided the Varsity hockey team needed to practice after a full day of classes needs to be shot. 

I'm just glad I get to sit on the bench. 

"I don't see why we need to practice," Portman grumbled as he, Julie, Charlie, Fulton and I made our way into the rink. 

"I can see why **you **need to practice," Julie teased.

Portman caught her around the waist and threw her over his shoulder. "That's enough outta you, girlie!"

I laughed as we walked, looking around at our small group. And that's what it was. Just Portman, Fulton, Julie, Charlie and I. And I really liked it that way. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved being apart of the Ducks, but I can't **force **them to accept who I am. 

"You gonna stay for practice?" Charlie asked me softly as we rounded the hallway towards the locker rooms. 

I nodded. "Wouldn't miss it for the world…"

He smiled and leant in to kiss me. 

"Not such a good idea," I said sadly. "The last thing we need if for you to be ostracized by your team, Captain."

Charlie patted my shoulder. "I know what you mean. But in some aspects, I don't care."

I smiled. "Well, does it make you feel better that at this moment I'm sending a hundred imaginary kisses?"

He smiled. "Yeah, it does."

I grinned. "I'll see you out on the ice."

I waited until Charlie had disappeared into the locker rooms before I headed back down the hallway and into the stadium, finding my place in the box. 

I exhaled and watched my breath dance before me eyes. I wanted to feel the way I did when I skated. 

"Hey Banks," Orion greeted me as he stepped into the box. "How's the wrist?"  
  


"OK," I answered. "I have a check-up on Wednesday."

Orion nodded, looking over something on his clipboard. "Good to hear. Actually, now that you're here, you can do something for me."  
  


"Yeah?" I asked, looking up at him. 

"I just want you to go over these hockey plays I've got, take a look at them, see if anything needs to be added." He handed me the clipboard. 

I took it from him. Never once in the whole time the Ducks had been under Coach Orion's lead, had he **ever **asked a player to look at plays. 

I flipped through some of the pages of computerized plays, my eyes roaming them, taking in every detail. 

"Banks?" 

I looked up. 

"I want you to still feel included," Orion said. "I know your wrist is hurting you a lot more than just physically, so I want you to be up here with me at games and practices, helping me out."  
  


I smiled. "Thanks Coach."

He grinned and turned away, ending our conversation. 

My hands grazed the pages of the plays, and I drank up every little detail, my hockey senses kicking in and imagining the plays happening on the ice. 

I barely looked up when Orion blew the whistle, signifying the start of practice. My eyes were transfixed on the drawings, and I was distinctly aware of the pencil in my left hand, itching to be used. 

I came across a play and began readily scribbling in the margins about what I thought needed to be done. 

"How's it coming along?" 

I looked up at Coach Orion who had paused in front of the box, looking at me inquisitively. 

"Not too bad," I told him. "Most of these are perfect, there are just a few that needed a little something extra…"  
  


He nodded. "Keep at it."

I watched as he skated away and my eyes caught Charlie's. I smiled at him and he smiled back, his face hidden partially by his helmet. 

I smiled to myself and put my head back down, working furiously on the plays. 

**

~|~ _Thursday, 2:19pm. 3 Weeks since I last wrote. _

_Man, so much stuff has happened in these part thre weeks. I finished my last exam 2 days ago, the Ducks won the play-offs against Blair Prepatory, and, oh yeah, I'm graduating tomorrow. _

_God, saying that gives me the charge of a lifetime. I survived high school, and tomorrow, I get to stand in front of my friends and family and prove it. _

_You're probably curious as to where Charlie and I stand? Don't worry journal, we're still together. It's been the freakiest three weeks of my life. I'm in a relationship that may very well be pulled apart by college. And I'm scared, but I'm trying to hold on to the time Charlie and I have before we might be forced to split up. _

_I forgot to mention, I got into Georgetown. Seems since I haven't been playing hockey, I've been using my time to improve my studies._

_When I sat down to write this, I thought I would have a lot to say. But now, sitting here looking at the page, there isn't really much to write down. My life is seemingly good. I've been off my Xanax for 3 weeks (yahoo!), and my wrist is healing nicely, says my doctor. And I have Charlie. Charlie, who makes life worth living. _

_We're closer than ever. And no, I don't mean sexually. We've decided not to sleep together until we know it's right. Having sex with Charlie in my dorm room isn't exactly how I imagined our first time together, you know? It's our first month anniversary next month, and I'm planning a ridiculously romantic evening. _

_Oh, important news! I'm not going home for Christmas? Portman, Julie, Fulton, Charlie and I have rented this awesome house in St. Paul for the holidays and we're going to have our own Christmas. I'm just damn glad I don't have to go home and see my parents. They still don't know I'm gay. And hopefully, I won't have to tell them for a long time. _

_In fact, when I think about it, not many people actually know that I'm gay. The Ducks know, but they haven't said anything. They don't even know that Charlie and I are together. Which makes our relationship so much more special. _

_As I sit here and look around my room, it's weird to see most of my stuff packed up in boxes. I'm leaving Eden Hall and I'm going to college, and it's possibly the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. This chapter of my life is ending and another one is gonna begin next year. _

_I hate thinking about change. I hate change. I've never adapted well to new things. But I have amazing friends by my side. And speaking of which, Charlie should be here soon._

_Adam D. Banks ~|~_

**

"Hey gorgeous."

I smiled as Charlie came into my room, a smile on his face. 

"Hey beautiful," I answered, pulling him into my arms for a hug. 

He hugged me back tightly, his hands grazing my waist. "We gotta talk."

I let go of him and looked up. "That doesn't sound good."

He shrugged and sat down on my bed. I sat next to him. 

"It isn't good," he said, taking my hand in his. 

"Well, what is it?"  
  


"I got accepted to California University on a full hockey scholarship."

I smiled. "Oh Charlie, that's great!" I leaned over and kissed his cheek. 

"But I don't wanna go!" 

I drew back. "Why not?"

He looked over at me sadly. "I don't want to leave you."

Tears crept into my eyes and my heart beat faster. "Charlie Conway, you are the most amazing, sensitive man I've ever known."

I pulled him into my arms and hugged him. 

"I really don't want to leave you, Adam," he whispered into my hair. 

I pulled back, looking him in the eye. "I know you don't. But this is college we're talking about. You can't give this up for me."

A tear rolled down his cheek. "I know you're right, but I don't know how I'm supposed to leave you."

I brushed his tears away. "Charlie, I love you, you know I do. But this is your education. And I'm always going to be here."

I didn't admit that it killed me inside, the thought of losing him. Because it did. It really did. 


	17. Version 14

"Ladies and gentlemen, alumni and faculty, I, Dean Buckley would like to welcome you to the graduating ceremony for the class of 2001."

I took a deep breath as the seniors were called to stand. I stood up, on shaky legs, smoothing the front of my red robe. I looked out into the crowd, my eyes not really focusing, my stomach tied up in knots. 

"This day is one that these fine young people standing before you will remember for the rest of their lives. They will look back on their days at Eden Hall and hopefully smile." 

I wasn't really listening to Dean Buckley, all I could think about was the fact that everything was ending. Charlie was going to California University in Los Angeles and I was going to Georgetown, in Washington DC. We were going to be thousands of miles apart for our college educations. 

We'd decided yesterday, when Charlie told me he'd been accepted. There was no way he couldn't go to UCLA. He was an amazing hockey player who could really make it far. He needed this opportunity. I'd decided to take Georgetown up on their offer eventually, after much cajoling by Charlie, who convinced me that if his hockey career was important, so was my academic education. 

I don't want to go. I never want to step out of this moment. Charlie is next to me, in fact, the whole Varsity hockey team occupied the second row. My hand grazed his as we were told to sit, and I had to choke back a sob. I had three months with him before we left for opposite ends of America. 

His hand found mine between the seats and squeezed reassuringly. It only made me want to cry more. I wouldn't be feeling his skin on mine for a long time, if ever again. Was this the end?

"…and I'd now like to welcome our senior valedictorian, and Varsity goaltender, Julie Gaffney."

I turned my head to where Julie was standing, smoothing her robe and receiving a reassuring pat on the arm from Charlie, who sat next to her.

"Thank you Dean Buckley," Julie said from the podium. I watched her intently. "I live my life by one very imperative saying: 'In order to succeed, you must first be willing to fail.' Over the last five years here at Eden Hall Academy, I've learnt a very valuable lesson. That I don't have to be everything other people want me to be. I just need to be who **I **want me to be."

I leant forward silently, taking in Julie's words. 

"Standing before you today, I, and the students behind me, have reached a very tumultuous stage in our lives. High school as we know it is ending." She took a deep breath. "We are now going out on our own, forming new relationships and experiencing new things. And this is scary. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this is all happening so fast."

I bit the inside of my cheek, tears building behind my eyes, Charlie's hand still entwined with mine. 

"As we all leave this afternoon, taking with us our belongings and our memories, we will always have a very special part in our hearts that only Eden Hall can fill. With friends, and the everlasting support of our peers, we've made it. Survived one of maybe three of the longest things we'll ever do in our lives. I know personally I wouldn't be standing here today addressing you without the love of my friends. And my teachers. They may open the doors to their classrooms, but as a student, it's our job to enter ourselves." She paused and smiled out at the crowd. "As I conclude today, I would just like to say on behalf of the people behind me, that we made it. And may every one of us go on to bigger and better things."

The crowd erupted in applause as Julie stepped down away from the podium and made her way back to the Ducks. 

"Good job Jules," Charlie said softly as she sat down, her cheeks flushed. 

I reached across Charlie's lap and took her hand. "Nice one Gaffney."

She grinned and squeezed my hand. "Not bad huh, Banks?"

I smiled and withdrew my hand as Dean Buckley took the mic again. 

I tuned him out as he spoke, thinking instead of Julie's speech. This was it. In about another hour or so, I would be leaving Eden Hall forever. 

"And now, I'd like to welcome Ted Orion, the coach of the Varsity hockey team to present his team with the first diplomas of the day."

The Ducks were motioned to stand and we got to our feet, filing out of our row and lining up, waiting expectantly. 

"It is with great pleasure that I present to you, the Varsity hockey team, the Eden Hall Mighty Ducks," Buckley said and everyone clapped. "First, we have Lester Averman."

Averman walked over to Coach Orion and shook his hand, accepting the leather bound diploma. He walked back to his seat, the folder held high above his head. 

"Adam Banks."

I took a tentative step forward and moved toward Coach Orion, who shook my hand and pulled me into an embrace, handing me my diploma. I walked back to my seat slowly, my cheeks flushed. 

"Charlie Conway."

I sat down and clapped my hardest as Charlie was embraced and then bounded off the stage happily, his diploma wrapped up in his arms. 

As he got back to his seat, I stood up, and he flew into my arms, hugging me tight. 

"Thank you, Adam," he whispered in my ear. 

A lone tear fell from my eye. "It's always been you, Charlie," I whispered back, letting him go reluctantly as we sat down. 

**

"Ladies, gentlemen, alumni and faculty, it is my deepest honor to present to you, the graduating class of 2001."

As Dean Buckley concluded the ceremony, we all threw our caps in the air, embracing each other happily.

"I can't believe it," Charlie whispered as we walked off the stage, our heads bowed close. 

"Yeah, I know," I said back. "And in three months, we won't be together."

He pulled me behind a hedge. "We'll always be together," Charlie said. "In our hearts."  
  


He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips, our tears mixing together and tasted salty on our lips. 

"I'm gonna miss you so much," I whispered, leaning my forehead against his. 

"I'm gonna miss you more," Charlie returned, his hands on my hips. 

"Charlie?" I called softly to him, closing my eyes.

"Yeah?"

I opened my eyes and looked him in the eye. "Promise me we'll always be together."

"I promise…"  
  


**

"You got everything?" Fulton asked me as we walked out of the dorms later that afternoon. 

I nodded. "Pretty much," I told him as we stopped in the student lot and I loaded my last bag into the backseat. 

"It's weird, isn't it?" Fulton asked, leaning up against his car. 

"We're not seniors anymore. We graduated."

He laughed. "It's the scariest thing. I never even thought I'd finish elementary school, let alone high school, and have my sights set on University of Minnesota."

"I know what you mean," I said softly. "I'm going to be in Washington next year, and I have no idea how I'm going to survive."

Fulton clapped me on the shoulder. "Banks, out of everyone, you're the most likely to survive."

"Thanks Fulton," I said as Portman and Charlie approached us. 

"Ready to blow this crap hole?" Portman asked as he threw his duffel bag into Fulton's car. 

Charlie's arm snaked around my waist and he laid his head on my shoulder. 

"I think we are," Futon answered. "See you two at the house soon."

I nodded. 

Portman and Fulton climbed into Fulton's car and started the engine. 

"When's Jules coming?" Portman shouted out the window. 

"Tomorrow at lunchtime," I shouted back and he nodded, and the car pealed out of the lot. 

I turned to Charlie. "Ready to go?"

He smiled. "I don't think I'll ever be ready to leave this place."

I dug my keys out of my pocket, pressing them in his hand. "I know what you mean. I can't believe this is all really over."

Charlie kissed my forehead. "The sooner we go the better. I know I'll go barricade myself in side soon."  
  


I laughed. "Yeah, I might have to join you…"

He let me go and slid into the driver's seat. I slid in next to him. 

"'Bye Eden Hall," he said as he started up the car and pulled out of the lot.

I didn't say anything, just turned my attention out the passenger window, watching the Minnesota scenery fly by. We drove in silence, and I was determined to stay in my thoughts of life without Charlie. 

"Our anniversary soon," he said softly, his hand finding mine between the seats. 

I looked over at him and smiled. "Don't plan anything, ok?" I told him. 

He nodded, smiling mischievously. "You got something up your sleeve, huh?"

I smiled. "Maybe."

We drove the rest of the way to St. Paul making idle conversation, and before I knew it, we were pulling up in our driveway. 

"Does it get bigger to you every time you see it?" Charlie asked me, getting out of the car, staring up at the house.  
  


I shrugged. "I have no idea. We're just lucky that Fulton and Portman are gonna stay here when they start at the University of Minnesota. Not to mention how lucky we are that the owner let us rent it for 3 months and that there is furniture inside."

Charlie smiled at me and wrapped an arm around my waist. "I wouda bought furniture if it meant I didn't have to spend the holidays at home."

I kissed his nose, instantly revived. "How is your mom anyway? With the divorce, I mean?"

Charlie shrugged. "Ok, I guess. Bombay keeps her company. I swear, those two will never get together."

I laughed as Fulton pulled in behind us. 

"Man, this is gonna be fun!" Portman roared, climbing out of the car and bounding over to the front door, unlocking it and shooting inside. 

"Hey guys," Fulton greeted, pocketing his keys and walking over. 

"Hi," Charlie said. "Dean seems a little excited."

Fulton rolled his eyes. "He needs a sedative."

I laughed and pulled a bag out of my trunk, hiking it over my shoulder. 

I looked up at the house. It loomed over me and I sighed. 

"Come on Banks, lets get moved in!" Portman crowed, slapping me on the back as he passed me. 

I suppressed my emotions and grabbed another bag, carrying them into the house.

**

~|~ _Friday, 6:39 pm_

_Well journal, how do you like your new home? I just need to say that I love my new laptop I picked up this afternoon, and now that sneaky Guy isn't my roommate, I can write all this on here. Except now it's password protected, thank you very much. _

_Where to start? Moved in to the new house today, and graduated, this has probably been the busiest day of my life. And only now have I had the chance to hide away in my bedroom and hook this baby up. God, I'm such a computer nerd. _

_Charlie and I have connecting bedrooms. There's a bathroom between our rooms. We didn't think it'd be such a good idea **sharing **a room, so we opted for singles. The first thing I had to do was cover up the horrid daisy wallpaper with my big 'Pulp Fiction' poster. You know the one, with Uma Thurman on the bed? I never had it up at Eden Hall, but here I figure I can do what I want. _

_So, I have Uma on one wall, and a movie poster of my favourite movie of all time on the other. Yeah, you guessed it, it's 'Casablanca'. I first saw that movie when I was 5, and I think I've loved it ever since. I should rent that again soon. _

_Anyway, I'm practically all moved in and I can hear Charlie, Fulton and Portman watching TV downstairs, and from their animated voices, I bet it's either hockey, or 'The Price Is Right'. I'm opting for the second choice. I can't watch a single episode of that show with Charlie without him getting intensely riled up at Bob Barker. _

_You should've seen my parents today at graduation. My mother was fake crying! It was horrible. I hadn't seen them in so long, and then she had to fake cry! My dad pored over my wrist, asking me if I'd been skating, if I could play yet. After I told him I couldn't and to get off my back, he didn't really say much. But I told them that I'm going to Georgetown. They're pretty happy. I don't really care. But I hate the fact that Washington is close to New York. It'll just give my bastard brother an excuse to barge in on my life. Maybe I should just stay here in Minnesota? No. I can't do that, because everywhere I'd go, everything would remind me of Charlie. I need to go to Georgetown and not torture myself. _

_So, it's just the four of us at the house at the moment, Julie is spending tonight at home with her family before moving her stuff in tomorrow. It's only 3 weeks till Christmas, and only 1 until Charlie's and my anniversary. After I picked up my computer, I sat in the car down the street and booked this beautiful cabin up in the Minnetonka ranges for the night. It's going to be beautiful. I can't wait to see his face when we get there. It's snowing up there at the moment, so it'll be beautiful, and we'll light a fire…_

Sorry, getting caught up in my fantasy there. * smiles * Can't help it, though. Thinking of Charlie does that to me. I don't know how I'll survive college…

_Ok, no more of that college stuff. _

_Tomorrow, I plan to go buy his gift. I don't know what I'm getting him, though. So I'm taking Fulton for reinforcement. Charlie and Portman are going to see his mom and Bombay, so I don't have to worry about sneaking around. _

_I'm hungry, and I think the pizza is here. _

_Adam D. Banks. ~|~_


	18. Continuity & Stuff

**Continuity and stuff:**

Hey all faithful readers! :D Just wanted to write and say that some things in this story may seem weird (graduation at Christmas time etc) but that's because I'm in Australia, and I have NO idea how the American school system works. So, bear with me, and go with the flow!

- Jetta _


	19. Version 15

"So what are you going to get him?"

I looked over at Fulton as we walked through the mall. "I have no idea. That's why I bought you with me."

Fulton snorted. "Do I look like a gay man who knows what another gay man wants?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Want the truth?"

He punched me in the arm and laughed as we walked. 

"What is a one-month anniversary present?" 

Fulton snorted again. "Why are you asking me? My longest relationship lasted 4 days short of a month."

I rolled my eyes as we passed a jewellery store. "How about a ring?"

He frowned. "Are you proposing? No, so don't go for a ring. Could be a potentially sticky situation."

I nodded as we forged on. A few steps into it, Fulton stopped me by hitting me in the chest. 

"Hey," I wheezed. "What's the big deal?"

He grinned. "It's simple." He pointed to a shop behind me. 

I turned around. "A scrap booking shop?"

He smiled again. "Work with me here…"

**

"Hello? Anyone home?"

"Ads!" Julie cried, running at me, her arms open wide. 

I hugged her tightly. "Hey Jules."

She kissed my cheek hard. 

"Hey! He's gay you know!"  
  


I looked up at Charlie who walked into the front entryway, a smile on his face. 

Julie let me go and poked her tongue out at Charlie, and then streamed past him. 

Charlie moved forward into my arms, placing a kiss on my lips. "You get anything for me, baby?"

I smiled and opened one of my bags. "Here," I said, putting a key in his hand. 

"The key to your heart?" Charlie gushed mockingly, putting a hand to his head ala damsel in distress. 

"Ha ha," I quipped sarcastically. "It's your key for the house."

Charlie grinned. "I knew that. And the fact you bought me a coloured key is really touching," he said, holding up the pink key.

It was my turn to grin. "You really like it, sweetie?"

He rolled his eyes and kissed me once more, moving into the living room. I dumped my bags in the kitchen and watched as Portman dove into them, surfacing with a packet of Doritos. 

Julie smacked him in the stomach and went about unpacking and putting away all the groceries, while Fulton collapsed on the couch, snatching up the remotes.

"What is on…" he muttered. 

Charlie looked at his watch. "'The Price Is Right'!"

"Noooooo!" Portman cried. "Not after last night. You and Bob Barker have to work out your issues."  
  


I laughed as I put away a bottle of juice and milk.

"When's your next doctor's appointment?" Julie asked from behind me. 

"I had one three days ago, and he says it's doing good. I might be able to get the cast off as soon as 3 weeks, because we're on holidays." I smiled and accepted the yoghurt container she handed me, sliding it into the fridge. 

"That's good," Julie said, stocking the pantry up. "Are you gonna try hockey again afterwards?"

I shrugged. "I want to. But it'll take a lot of physical therapy to get it back to how it was. My doctor gave me the number of a really good physical therapist in Washington."

"I hope you play again," Julie told me. "Because I want to be able to be able to put on ESPN in 10 years time and say, 'Oh look, that's Adam Banks, the captain for the New York Rangers, I used to play with him.' And feel really special."

I laughed. "Well, I'll see what I can do."

"Hey Banks! We need to vote on what video we wanna watch tonight," Fulton called from the couch where he and Portman shared the bag of Doritos liberally.

"Well, who are the candidates?" Julie asked, shutting the door of the pantry with her foot. 

"We narrowed it down to 'Fight Club' or 'Armageddon'."

"I vote 'Armageddon'," Julie said, ripping into a bag of dried fruit. 

"Me too," I said. 

"Crap," Portman mumbled, shoving chips into his mouth. 

"I have to go 'Armageddon' too," Charlie said, grinning. 

"Well, looks like 'Armageddon' it is." Fulton grabbed his keys. "Who's coming to Blockbuster?" 

Portman liked his fingers and stood up. "I will."

"Me too," Charlie said, pulling a hat onto his head. 

I walked over and gave him a quick kiss. "Don't fall in love with anyone else."

He smiled. "So not even an issue."

The three of them left, leaving Julie and I in the kitchen.

"So…" she prompted. 

"What?" I demanded, snatching the bag of fruit from her and helped myself. 

"You and Charlie. How are things going?"

I smiled. "Astronomically fabulous."

She laughed. "That good, huh?"  
  


I nodded as she hiked herself up onto the bench, retrieving her fruit from me. 

"Can I ask you something?"  
  


She nodded, chewing on an apricot. "'Course."

"Should I tell Charlie about freshmen year?"  
  


She tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. "If you feel comfortable enough, then yeah, tell him. But if you don't, you don't have to."

I smiled. "Thanks Jules."

She smiled back. "No problem." She paused. "So, have you slept together yet?"

I threw a sultana at her. "Perv!"

"Yeah right! I think it's sweet!"

I laughed. "No, we haven't. I'm sorta thinking our anniversary next week. Too soon?"

She shook her head. "With the way the two of you love each other? Your first date wouldn't have been too soon. I just wish I'd waited."

I raised an eyebrow. "Who? What? When? Where?"

She laughed. "Dalton Baxter. The figure skater. Sophomore year, our third date, and in his dorm room. It was the most horrible experience ever."

"Well, have you given it a chance again?" I asked her. 

She shrugged and smiled. 

"Spill," I demanded, leaning up against the bench next to her. 

"With Scooter, last year."

I wolf-whistled. 

She blushed. "Come on, you spill now. First?"

"With Bradi, freshmen year. In my car."

Julie laughed. "How romantic…"

I threw another piece of fruit at her. "Shut up…"

"Well, did you try it again?"

"I haven't seen anyone else since Bradi."

"Wow, Banks. You haven't got much experience…" Julie teased. 

"Leave me alone," I told her, putting a piece of apple in my mouth. 

She pat my head. "I think it's sweet. What about Charlie, anyway?"

"I'm not sure when he last did it…"

She kissed my hair. "You are gonna be perfect, ok?"

I looked at her. "I really don't want to talk about this right now!" I laughed, pushing myself off the bench and headed towards the stairs. "Call me when we're ready for dinner, ok?"

**

~|~ _Saturday, 5:19pm_

_Julie is the greatest person ever. She's such an amazing friend. I'm gonna miss her when she goes off to Yale next year. Did I mention that? That she was Yale-bound? I'm so proud of her. She's has an amazing brain._

_My mom called today. She wanted to actually come over and check out the house. I told her not to, because of course, it wouldn't be up to her standards. I get so sick and tired of my mother's snobby attitude. Oh well, not long before I'm in Washington._

_God, there I go again, talking about college. NO MORE COLLEGE TALK! _

_I can hear 'The Price Is Right' playing downstairs, Charlie must've wrestled the remote away from someone. I can hear him yelling at Bob Barker, calling him, and I quote, a 'nasty ho'. That's my boyfriend, eloquent and completely refined. Ha ha, I love him anyway. _

_Julie's calling me for dinner, I think we're having steak. Yum. _

Adam D. Banks ~|~

**

'Armageddon' is a pretty good movie. 

"Pass the popcorn," Charlie hissed, and Portman handed him the bucket. 

After a nice dinner, we all clamoured into the living room to watch 'Armageddon', me on the couch, next to Julie who's next to Portman, Charlie on the floor between my legs, and Fulton stretched out on the other couch. No one sits next to Fulton. He farts. 

"Tissue," Julie demanded and I passed her the box that was by my elbow, snagging one for myself. 

Harry Stamper is talking to his daughter Grace on the video phone thing and telling her he won't be home. I can feel the tears building up behind my eyes, but I'm not going to cry. But Liv Tyler's crying, and so is Ben Affleck. Damn, this is a sad movie. 

A lone tear fell from my eye and someone instantly brushed it away. I looked down at Charlie, wondering how long he'd been staring at me, waiting for the tear to fall. 

I smiled at him and he smiled back, squeezing my thigh.

I knew what that squeeze meant. I knew all too well. He wanted to make out.

"That was the saddest movie ever," Julie exclaimed as the credits began to roll, and Fulton shut off the VCR.

"Drama queen," Fulton muttered, putting the tape in the case, receiving a pillow to the head from Julie. 

"Ben Affleck is hot," Portman commented slyly. 

Charlie looked at his watch. "It's late." He pretended to yawn. "Tuck me in?" he asked me, and I laughed. 

"Ok," I answered, letting him pull me up off the couch. 

"'Night you two," Julie called, a lilting tone in her voice as we climbed the stairs together. 

As we reached Charlie's room, he pushed the door open and pulled me inside, closing the door and putting a chair up under the handle. After checking the bathroom door was locked, he flew at me, his lips connecting with mine in a mad struggle. 

I walked him backwards, laying him gently down on the bed, my body covering his. 

"Adam…" he whimpered, his hands grazing my hot skin beneath my t-shirt. 

"Charlie…" I whispered, my lips dancing across his jaw line, placing tantalising kisses wherever I went. 

"I want to be with you…"

I smiled. "You are with me," I told him. "Or are you imagining someone else?"

Charlie stopped rubbing my back and looked up at me. "I want to **be **with you, Adam. Sexually."

"Oh."

I sat up, straddling his body. 

"Unless you don't want to…"

I swallowed. "No, I do, I really do, but I want it to be special…"  
  


He placed his hands on my hips, sitting up to look me in the eye.

"Ok. We'll make it special. Any idea when that is?"

I laughed. "Our anniversary."

Charlie smiled. "Waiting will be tough, but you're worth it."


	20. Warning: Sexual Content Ahead

**Warning: **

The next chapter contains graphic homosexual situations.  If this in some way offends you, or grosses you out, please don't read it. And if you do, despite this warning, I am in no way responsible for the effects. 

-Jetta _


	21. Version 16

"Ok…open your eyes."

"Holy shit…Adam!" Charlie exclaimed as we stood in the snow outside our anniversary destination. 

I smiled. "You like it?" I asked him wrapping my arms around him and cuddled into his body for warmth. 

He kissed my forehead. "This is perfect," he said, and started walking towards the door. 

I unlocked the door and we spilled in. 

I'd been busy. There was a roaring fire in the living room, and a table set for two in the dining room. 

"You're spoiling me," Charlie said, slipping off his jacket. 

"You're not complaining," I told him, slipping my own jacket off. 

He turned to me and pulled me into his embrace. "The food looks good." 

I smiled. 

"But I bet you taste better…" He punctuated his statement by lowering his lips to my neck and began to gently suck. 

"God…Charlie…" I moaned, pushing him away. 

He grinned. "What?"

"You know what," I told him. "Let's eat first, ok?"

He nodded and went to sit down. "Ooh. Yum."

**

"Had enough to eat?" I asked Charlie as I put our dishes in the sink. 

"Yes," he called from the living room, where he lay in front of the fire. "But you really need to get in here and keep me warm."

I laughed as I walked into the room. "Charlie Conway, you're lying next to a fire. I just think you wanna get in my pants."

Charlie reached up and grabbed my hand, pulling me down beside him. "Uh oh, you saw right through me, now get naked."

I laughed and leant over and put my lips to his, running my good hand through his hair, and lay him back against the soft rug.

His tongue explored my mouth eagerly, his hands pushing their way up my shirt. 

"Wait," I said suddenly, sitting up. "I want you to have your present."

Charlie smiled, sitting up. 

I handed him a big present, wrapped in red paper. 

"This looks fancy," Charlie commented, tearing into the paper. In his hands he held a photo album. He opened the front cover. "Oh Adam…"

I smiled and sat down next to him, looking at the image of the two of us after winning Junior Goodwill Games. Charlie had his arm slung around my shoulders and we were both laughing at something going on out of the frame. Under the picture was a caption I'd written. 

Charlie's fingers traced the words. "Meant to be…" he whispered softly, turning the page. 

The pages of the book were filled with images of us over the years we'd known each other. From the first game I ever played with the Ducks, to our Eden Hall graduation. 

"This is amazing…" Charlie said, turning to me. I noticed the tears in his eyes. 

I smiled. "You really like it?"  
  


He nodded. "I love it."

I kissed his temple. "Good."

He closed the book carefully, reaching over and grabbing something. He shoved a small box into my hands. 

I unwrapped it and flipped open the velvet box. Inside lay a silver key ring in an oval shape. On one side there were the words, 'Love always, Charlie', and on the other side, the date of our anniversary. 

I smiled and the tears fell freely. "You are too amazing," I told him softly, turning to him. "This is beautiful."

Charlie smiled. "I'm glad you like it." He took the box out of my hands and put it on the coffee table beside his gift.

Without words, he moved forward and took the hem of my shirt in his hands, tugging it upwards. I raised my hands in the air and he pulled my shirt off, tossing it to the floor carelessly. 

My own hands then worked to free Charlie from his shirt, throwing it to the floor where it joined my shirt. 

We kissed hungrily, our mouths fused together, and our hands roaming each other's bodies. 

Charlie grabbed my belt and undid it, undoing the button and zipper to my pants. He slipped his hands inside my pants and I moaned, trying left-handedly to get Charlie's pants off. 

After much annoyance, I slid them off his legs as he freed my legs from mine. 

I rolled onto his body, my breath uneven, and my eyes transfixed. 

"I love you so much," I whispered. 

"I love you," Charlie whispered back, his hands pushing my boxers off my hips. 

I blushed as they slid off my feet. I'd only been naked in front of Bradi, 4 years ago, and here I was offering myself to this man. 

Charlie smiled at my expression and kissed me, my hands working to free him from his boxers. 

Then we were naked, lying in front of the fire, our bodies blazing and our arousal evident. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Charlie asked me as his lips grazed my collarbone. 

I nodded. "I'm so sure Charlie. I want you to make love to me…"

He smiled against my skin, his hands rubbing my thighs. "I want to make love to you…"

My lips found his again and I kissed him long and hard before breaking the kiss. I reached over for the box of condoms, removing a few and handing one to Charlie. 

"You don't mind, do you?"

He shook his head. "Of course not."

He sat up and I took the tiny package out of his hand, ripping it open and rolling it down over him. 

"Adam…" he moaned. "God…"

I threw the packet away, and took Charlie's face in my hands, kissing him. 

He lay me back down on the mat, his body covering mine, and I was distinctly aware of him. 

"You're sure?" 

I nodded. 

He eased himself slowly into me. He stopped and looked down at me. 

"You ok baby?" he asked softly, running a hand through my hair. 

I nodded. "Keep going."

He did, pushing himself fully into me. 

"Ready?" 

I nodded again. 

And then Charlie was moving inside of me. I always expected that the experience would be gross, or unnatural, but with Charlie…it was…heaven. 

I moaned, my arms holding him tightly, grabbing his ass as he moved. 

"Adam…oh baby, you feel so good…" Charlie moaned, sweat forming on his brow. 

I kissed him briefly, my eyes burning into his. "I love you…"

"I love you," he said back, his hands gripping the rug. "Oh Adam, I'm going to come…"  
  


I closed my eyes as I neared the edge of the precipice, my vision blurring and stars exploding behind my eyes. 

"Charlie…this is it…"  
  


I took a deep breath as I came, Charlie's release following mine. 

He collapsed onto my body, his breath ragged and his body sweaty. 

"Thank you baby…" he said softly, running a hand through my hair and covering my face with sweaty kisses. "Thank you so much…"

I smiled and kissed him back. "Thank you, Charlie…"

**

Our night was perfect, filled with lovemaking and cuddling by the fire, I don't think I've ever felt as alive as I did in the cabin with Charlie. 

But, we had to get back to reality. 

"Hey!" Fulton greeted as Charlie and I shuffled through the front door. 

"Hi," I said, smiling as I dumped my overnight bag at the bottom of the stairs. 

"How was your weekend?" Fulton asked, leaning against the banister, smiling devilishly. 

Charlie smiled back. "Exceptional."

"What's exceptional?" Portman asked, coming into the room, followed by Julie. 

"Our anniversary was exceptional," I said, a light blush creeping into my cheeks. 

Julie smiled and clamped a hand on my arm, and pulled it, leading me outside into the small courtyard. 

"Sit." She pushed me into a lawn chair. "And now spill."

I blushed, my face on fire. "What do you want me to say?" I mumbled, focusing on my shoes. 

She leant forward and put a hand on my knee. 

I looked up. "It was amazing, Julie."

She giggled. "So I take it that it was a fairly physical evening?"  
  


I nodded and looked away. 

She laughed at my reaction. "So, how was it?"

"Good." I took a deep breath and turned back to hear. "Very good. I love him so much."

"I know you do, Ads."

I clenched my hands together. "He gave me this beautiful key ring," I said, fishing it out of my pocket. 

"Oh Adam…" Julie breathed, turning the silver over in her hands. "This is gorgeous."

I nodded. "I know it is…"

She looked up and smiled. "I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before."

I shrugged. "I've never been this happy before."

She handed me back my keys and I turned them in my hands, my fingers resting on the keepsake. 

"So what's the matter, then?" Julie asked, her eyes worried. 

I looked up at her, tears in my eyes. "I don't know how I'm supposed to leave him."


	22. Epilogue

"Do you have your ticket?"

I nodded, tears rolling silently down my cheeks. 

"What about your passport?"  
  


I nodded again and looked down at my feet, the picture blurring as my eyes overflowed with tears.

"Adam…I'm going to miss you so much."

I looked up at Charlie, whose face held the same forlorn expression, and the tears pooling on his collar made my heart wrench in pain. 

"I love you," I whispered, leaning forward into his arms.

Three months flew by so fast, it was like lightening. Before I knew it, I was packing up my bedroom and deciding what was Washington-bound and what would stay. And then, I had to say goodbye to my friends. Julie flew out to Connecticut two days ago for orientation, and Portman and Fulton are getting ready to start at the University Of Minnesota in just two weeks. 

"I can't believe I have to say goodbye to you…" Charlie whispered against my neck, his arms around my waist. 

I ran my right hand through his hair, noticing how sickly white it was from where I'd had my cast on all those weeks. 

"I'm not gonna survive, Adam."  
  


I kissed his forehead. Charlie flew out tomorrow. 

I took a deep breath and willed myself to let go of him, although my whole body screamed at me not too. 

"'Bye Charlie," I said softly. 

"Wait," Charlie sobbed, reaching for me blindly, pulling me close. 

"I love you, so much…" I choked out, my tears staining his shirt. 

"I love you too…" Charlie said softly, his arms relaxing and I slid out of them regrettably. 

"I'll see you soon, ok?"

He shook his head. "I don't get holidays off this Christmas and for my summer vacation I'm going on hockey camp."

My heart tightened. A year and a half without him. 

"Goodbye."

I picked up my backpack and my laptop bag and walked away from the love of my life, tears running freely down my cheeks, an empty space in my heart. 

My life was over. 

**

~|~ _Monday, 12:19pm_

_I'm above an ocean somewhere, my tears long dried, but the hole in my heart still aches painfully. _

_Charlie and I are apart for the first time in our lives. Since we met we've been together, same elementary class, same high school, everything. And now…we're not, and it's breaking my heart. What will I do without him in Washington? _

_How am I supposed to breathe without Charlie when he's across the other side of the country in California? _

_I'm sitting here on my plane, thankfully alone, typing away. I still can't believe I actually got on the plane. I can't believe I walked away from the man I love. I can't believe he didn't beg me to stay. _

_Journal, I'm going to end this now, and try to get some sleep, or at least watch the movie that starts in 20 minutes. Wish me luck at Georgetown, I don't know when I'll be able to write again. _

_Adam D. Banks. ~|~_


End file.
